Tag: love

i broke

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I broke.
Plain and simple – i broke…
This past fortnight – my mind just couldn’t keep itself together anymore, and i broke…

I went to the Doctor back before we went to New Zealand, just for a general annual checkup; and when we were finishing up, I told him that there was something that I had forgotten, but I didn’t know what it was – so as I was paying my bill and leaving, I made another appointment (cos this guy is super hard to get into!) and that appointment date finally rolled around, and was yesterday.

It would have been great if it was a week or two earlier – but I’m sure glad I made it – even if I’ve had to wait almost 2 months to attend it.

The thing that I had forgotten at the first appointment, was the worsening connective tissue pain that I have been experiencing for about a year.
I am now at the point where raising my left arm above level, causes a huge amount of pain, and a range of other areas (elbow, wrists, back, hips) are all suffering various degrees of the same issue.

However, in the last few weeks, ‘Life’ has been getting on top of me more and more, and as mentioned in another post I wrote about “the blur” – where I explained that I could feel myself slowly spiralling into panic – last week that panic hit full-blast – and I ended up not being able to even manage to go to work last Thursday, and I spent a big part of the day alternately sobbing my heart out; and wading around the Farm feeling thoroughly hopeless and helpless with no idea what to do…

There have been a couple of red-flag moments in the last couple of weeks, and whilst this last week has been a big improvement on the previous two, I know that I can’t work through this one on my own.

Its been a hard realization – and it was even harder to tell our Dr/friend – who is so used to me being buoyant and bolshy, that I was drowning.

I didn’t particularly want to – but as I sat there with him, working out what plan of action we were going to take next to investigate what was going on with my body – I knew that I needed to ask him for help with sorting out my mind too…

So here we are at the start of a new week – and today I’m not doing so flash.

It took me until about lunchtime to do the dishes – something that I usually do as soon as breakfast is done.

I can’t settle my thoughts onto anything, and I keep realising I’ve started doing 10 things and forgotten each of them part way through, and only noticed that I hadn’t finished them, when I found them not completed!
GAH!

I also have a raging headache – even though I’ve taken two lots of paracetamol.

My brain just feels super foggy.

Late tomorrow (Tuesday) I go back to see the doctor, as he wants to do some more anxiety/depression testing on me and check on the reults from the bloods I had drawn last week, before I go to see the psychologist on Wednesday morning – which it seems I was lucky to get into so quickly, after being told by the Dr it would probably take a couple of weeks…

I also have work tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday – and right at this minute, I’m not sure how I’m going to manage with that – particularly as I am going to have to leave work to attend my psych appointment – and then (in theory) go back to work after it, as its a mid-morning appointment.

I’m also anxious about the trip away that I need to make at the end of this week.
I’ll be away for five days.

I need to go help my sister sort out and pack up the home that my mother and her husband lived in, until they went into the aged care home – and its something that I very much feel that I need to go help her do – and it will be great to see two of my brothers at the same time – but I’m not one of those people who enjoy being away from home, and don’t feel very competent at this solo-travel business – even though in my head I know that I’m perfectly capable of it, and did it very successfully loads of times, in my youth!!

Part of me feels like if I can make it through this week, I’ll make it through whatever is coming at me next – but all I can do for now, is to keep reminding myself to breathe, to concentrate on what I can do, and to let go of any expectation of what this week should ‘look like’.

Its an unknown, and I have to be ok with that, and try roll with it…
Sarah

a year ago

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A year ago today my heart shattered into a million little pieces…
As is usual for anyone when grieving, I felt like I would never be free of the feeling of total and utter devastation that I was going through.

A year ago, I was heartbroken and a chunk had been ripped from my soul – I felt like a mangled piece of road-kill. Continue reading “a year ago”

a bad relationship

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Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, a bad relationship – or some of the elements of a bad relationship – follow you through life…

My Father had a bad relationship with alcohol.
When he was alive, I don’t recall a time when I ever thought my Father was an alcoholic – after all, unless it was a special occasion like a sunday lunch out with friends – he would never drink before 6pm.
He didn’t start the day with a ‘heart-starter’, and was never a Continue reading “a bad relationship”

the mummas nightmare

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This morning started in the way no Mothers ever want it to.

A missed call on my phone before 7am, and a voice message.

Checked the voice message, and it was someone I didn’t know, telling us that our second youngest son had been in a motorbike accident.
He had been on his motorbike on the way to work, and had been hit by a car.

We live a 1 hour drive then a 5hr flight, or a 24 hour solid drive, away from where he lives.
Our stomachs lurched.

It was his boss Wayne whom had called us, and on calling him back, we found out that Wayne had seen him put into the ambulance approximately a half-hour earlier, and had briefly spoken to him prior to the ambulance heading off to the local hospital, which he gave us the name of.

At least we knew our son had been alert when he was carried off – alert enough to give the guy his Mummas phone number at least.
Good sign – hopefully…

We then rang Hospital A, where they had taken him – only to find out that he hadn’t turned up there(!!) and they suggested that he might be at Hospital B if his injuries were substantial or required immediate surgery. 😐

While this was happening, my Love was on the other phone, calling our youngest daughter who is a Doctor in an adjacent City to where our son lives and works; to see if she knew anything or could find out anything.

We then rang Hospital B, and thankfully he was there.
All they could tell us was that he had literally just arrived, and was being seen to by the doctor at that very moment, and that they wouldn’t be able to update us for at least a half-hour, possibly more.

Wayne then rang us again, in a bit of a panic as he had gone to Hospital A, and had found out that they had taken our son to the more acute care hospital further away, due to some concern that he was exhibiting signs of internal bleeding – and he wanted to let us know that he was now on the way to Hospital B.
Bless his heart!

The next few hours were pretty scary.
One feels sooo helpless when you’re far away from your babies, and you know things aren’t right with them – and theres not a damn thing you can do!

Finally we got to speak to him very briefly, and although he was groggy, and tearful (in shock!) he was in quite good spirits, but a fair bit of pain.
He had just had scans done, was awaiting results, and was being given more pain medication.

The day wore on, and we only received sketchy updates, until finally around 5pm, when we heard that he was well enough that they were going to let him go home.

Such incredible relief!!!

We spoke to him again briefly after he got home last night, and he was very sore and still very shaken – as was to be expected – and was on his way to bed.
But he had got to hold his daughter, and we know that that alone is enough to give him the strength to bounce back to full health, quickly.

We feel so very blessed and fortunate to have had the day turn out so well.

It could have gone so very very differently…
Today, we could be mourning the loss of one of our children, but instead we are feeling so very thankful and grateful that things turned out as they did!

Don’t forget to tell your kids how much you love them, and how proud you are of them – you never know when you might not get the chance to do it ever again…

Sarah

 

Mummas Nightmare Motorbike Accident
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Mummas Nightmare Motorbike Accident

i’m DONE!

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Ready to cheer me on?

I told you a week or two ago in the smoking gun post, that I was going to do it – and now here I am!!

As of last night – I am a non-smoker.
A former smoker, an ex-smoker – call it what you will.

But as of when I went to bed last night – I am deciding to not stick another cigarette in my mouth.

I’ve said this before – and I’ve caved in.
Not because I’ve particularly wanted one, and certainly not because I’ve needed one, but because I have stupidly succumbed to ‘peer pressure’ (real or imagined!) and have taken it back up again – mostly because my Love has continued smoking.

This time can not be the same as previous times.

This time it won’t be.

Because this time I’m not “giving up” anything.

The fact is that I won’t be ‘giving up’ – I’ll be gaining!

Gaining back my life, gaining back finances, gaining back some health, gaining back the ability to breathe more freely, gaining back time!

Most people don’t realise how much time that smoking sucks out of the day.
And I fully believe that thats why a lot of people restart – simply because they don’t know what to do with all the time they suddenly find on their hands – and they’ve done nothing in the lead-up to stopping smoking, to ensure that they have strategies in place to combat the feeling of ‘what do i do with myself now‘….!

Personally, I’ve spent the last two weeks working out how I will combat those moments when I’d usually go for a ciggie – because all it is, is habit!

Its a habit to have one after a meal, its a habit to have one with my coffee, its a habit to have one with a glass of wine, its a habit to have one when on the phone, its a habit to have one before bed …… every.single.stupid.cigarette is a habit.

An idiotic lethally toxic habit that is poisoning our bodies, and sending us ever more quickly closer to the grave…

But ya know what?

Not any more!

I’m done!

Feel free to cheer for me – cos I sure am 😀 😀 😀

Sarah


I’m DONE with the Monster on my back!


The breakfast of a champion non-smoker

you’re not a burden

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The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden.

It doesn’t make you unlovable or undesirable or undeserving of care.
It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy…It makes you human.

Everyone struggles.
Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart.

During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around — and that’s okay.
No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time.

Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult.
And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad.
But those things aren’t all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being.

The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.
You can be difficult and still be cared for.
You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness…

Sarah

opinion piece: bullying?

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There has (rightfully!!) been a lot going on in the media of late – about bullying, which has been particularly spurred on by the tragic suicide of a young country girl, after being horrifically bullied by her peers.

Also in the media of late – there has much much to-do about one of our politicians Barnaby Joyce…

Now Barnaby isn’t someone I’m a fan of.

I don’t know the bloke personally – nor do I have a desire to – but I do know a fair bit about his political and personal opinions on matters, which he has bleated on about incessantly – and I do not like them, not one bit!
(to quote Cat In a Hat!)

Barnaby has recently been even more of a dick than usual. [pun not intended lol].

For those that dont know – Barnaby has been busted as having had an extra-marital affair with one of his staffers, whom is now pregnant as a result of said affair.
Barnabys marriage has dissolved, and there is an ex-wife and 4 daughters left behind as a part of this tragedy.

I whole-heartedly put my hand up as having an opinion on this, and having shared a meme (maybe even two!) that indirectly related to this matter.

But now its getting a bit beyond a ‘joke’…
Not that – I’m absolutely sure – it was ever a joke to those whom are intimately involved in this shambles!!

Now – I cant help but think its gone beyond ‘public interest’ and our ‘right to know’ about what our pollies are up to…

Now – i think that its treading a very slippery line of bullying-by-the-masses.

Theres no two ways about it.
This guy is a twit!

He has some truly idiotic personal and political views that he’s not backward in coming forward about.
He’s a public figure, and he’s our Deputy Prime-minister and as such there is definitely some accountability to be had.

He without doubt, had in inappropriate affair with a subordinate, whilst he was still married, and whilst he was seen and heard all over the media spouting off about “the sanctity of marriage”…

But this is also about his personal life, and the lives of 6 women and an unborn child whom are all a part of his inner ‘family’ circle.

While he isn’t helping himself at all as far as the media and public perception goes – and whilst I fully believe that it would be best for all concerned, including his political career; if he stepped back and quietly disappeared from public life – I do think its time that the media and others (including myself!) moved on and stopped this culture of mass-bullying…

Sarah

today…

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Today is different.

Today I got out of bed quite well rested.
I had a really decent sleep last night, because it rained through the night, and i always sleep soooo much better when it rains.

I have also taken a fortnight off work – which actually winds up being 18 days – so that is a big load of stress gone off my back for the time being!!

And to top it off, I also slept well because My Love & I came to a very important decision last night, Continue reading “today…”

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