huuuge changes

 

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Its six weeks since I last posted.

Six weeks since the event that changed my dear friends Life forever – in ways that I can barely begin to imagine.
Its also 6 weeks in which my Life has changed – because of the hideous heartbreak my friend has had to endure…

Only an hour into my first day back at work Continue reading “huuuge changes”

lessons

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Again – it feels like the Universe is throwing me yet another lesson – because no matter how many it has thrown me in the last couple of years – I keep pushing the lessons to the side – and blindly bumbling on – seemingly oblivious to what is trying to be taught to me.

I hope this season that I am in right now – isn’t yet another lesson I will push to the side and ignore – for I know what the lesson is, and I know what is required of me to move toward that which I need to be doing – but still I hold off – perhaps paralysed Continue reading “lessons”

wild ride

 

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Its been a wild ride for the last few weeks, and a ride that I’m still in the midst of, and I’ve gotta say – that some of it I’m not lovin’ so much!!

I’d been starting to ‘spiral’ a bit after I last posted, but then a series of events happened that just swamped me totally, and I felt like that wild ride was taking me crashing back down through the floor…

Firstly, whilst I was seeing some small advances with our joint counselling sessions, I was feeling like the majority of any getting-ahead was happening mostly only in the sessions, and wasn’t transferring to our real-world everyday Life.
And I was feeling a bit ‘played’, by that.

Then, the State that we live in which has been suffering from the most gut-wrenching droughts, where stock had been routinely starving to death, and Farmers were walking away from their Lands in despair – was suddenly engulfed in never-before-seen ammounts of water from weeks of torrential rains, then the resulting total devastation of flash-flooding.

The majority of the stock that Farmers had been able to hand-feed and keep alive – were washed away and drowned, and the Farmers have been left with mass piles of stinking rotting carcasses to try and bury / dispose of.

Some of our family members were in the path of that flooding, with our eldest daughter having to evacuate and her home being inundated with mud and water over a metre deep – which destroyed almost all of their belongings, including precious photo albums.

And then…

And then a friends husband tragically died in a freak accident, leaving her and her two small children shell-shocked and (obviously!) devastated.

The crazy circumstance of his death, his young age, the ‘unfairness’ of it all, sent my already wobbly emotions right over the edge!

I knew it was time for a solo check-in with my counsellor, and she thankfully managed to fit me in on fairly short notice.

I think I spent most of that hour sobbing.

But there were a few things that floated to the surface for me, that I recognised were of importance to me and needed to be ‘dealt with’, in some way…

The first was about the old adage of the days being long, but Life being short – and this one hits me more and more in the face, as each day, week, month, year passes.

We have one short, important, glorious, fucked-up, amazing, beautiful Life, which is gone before you can barely blink – and in some cases, is over with before it’s even properly begun.
This also becomes even more obvious on a daily basis, when you have a life-limiting illness…

The second thing was – that I have the right to make certain (reasonable) demands of people and to have and impose boundaries around how I am treated, and that it’s ok to not put up with being treated in a way that I find less-than-acceptable or inappropriate.

That evening, My Love and I had a big talk.
Wellllll – in all honesty, I did the majority of the talking – in amongst a pile of sobbing, sniffling and tears!

I laid out how I was feeling, as best I could, and explained in brief what I felt I needed.

Two nights later, my Love initiated a conversation.

It was a conversation of plans and intentions – and I’ve heard it a number of times before, but I am willing once again to see if this time around the intention will ’stick’, or if it will just fade away as it has before…

At only about 10 days in, we had our next joint counselling session.

I was in the midsts of telling our counsellor a very broad overview of what had been going on, and was explaining that although we were only 10 days in from the conversation that had been initiated by My Love, that I was feeling hopeful, and more trusting and respectful toward My Love, when our counsellor asked if she could know what the conversation had actually been about.

My Love said “no – not at the moment”, and it felt (to me) like that was right about the moment that the session came to a stand-still.

Our counsellor – bless her heart – tried to move it along, but everything after that was just superficial chit-chat.

At the close of the session, she reminded us that we needed to revisit our conversations and to keep having them, even though it would be hard work and uncomfortable for us both.

We agreed.

That was just over 2 weeks ago.

I’ve sent My Love an email about our session – but I’ve had no response.

And there have been no further conversations…
Sarah

mini vacay

 

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It’s different being away from home and being in someone elses home.
It’s a cross between a mini vacation and at times not quite knowing what to do with myself – then realising that I don’t actually have to BE doing anything with myself!

The downside though is – that apart from missing my Love – is that she is back there doing all the final moving of the bits and pieces that are still at the house in town, and I feel really shit about her having to do that without me helping – however minimal that is some days…

It’s also very weird for me to be so far away from home by myself – it’s just not something i DO!

My brother and sister in law actually live about a half hour out of town, so any time you want anything its a fairly mammoth effort to go to the store.
Which is something that I really like – but having been out of the habit of that pre-thinking, being that we now live so close to town, you get out of the habit of thinking of and getting everything you need or want, in one trip!

I didn’t go into the aged care home today to see Tony (my Mamas husband), as my sister was going to take him to church to see some of his mates, and church really isn’t my type of thing to be doing on a beautiful sunny Sunday morning, so I figured it was best if she just headed in on her own.

I ended up going into town as I wanted to get my brother and his wife a very belated housewarming present, that would be (hopefully) something that they would find was useful – and something I personally use about 5 times a week.

So off I went to ‘the big smoke’ and quickly found what I was looking for – which was an “Instant Pot”.
Well, it’s not actually the instant pot brand – but it does all the same things.

You can sauté, slow-cook, pressure cook, do rice, pasta and baking all in these little magicians – and we just love ours so much that we actually have two at home! lol

Right now – I am sitting on the verandah, home alone – overlooking miles of uncluttered farmland and the only sound other than the birds, is a neighbours generator, thunking away rhythmically in the distance…

Its pretty nice I gotta say!
Sarah

 

 

 

mini vaycay 1

Looking over the paddocks.

mini vaycay 2

The full blood moon rising.

the mummas nightmare

 

 

This morning started in the way no Mothers ever want it to.

A missed call on my phone before 7am, and a voice message.

Checked the voice message, and it was someone I didn’t know, telling us that our second youngest son had been in a motorbike accident.
He had been on his motorbike on the way to work, and had been hit by a car.

We live a 1 hour drive then a 5hr flight, or a 24 hour solid drive, away from where he lives.
Our stomachs lurched.

It was his boss Wayne whom had called us, and on calling him back, we found out that Wayne had seen him put into the ambulance approximately a half-hour earlier, and had briefly spoken to him prior to the ambulance heading off to the local hospital, which he gave us the name of.

At least we knew our son had been alert when he was carried off – alert enough to give the guy his Mummas phone number at least.
Good sign – hopefully

We then rang Hospital A, where they had taken him – only to find out that he hadn’t turned up there(!!) and they suggested that he might be at Hospital B if his injuries were substantial or required immediate surgery. 😐

While this was happening, my Love was on the other phone, calling our youngest daughter who is a Doctor in an adjacent City to where our son lives and works; to see if she knew anything or could find out anything.

We then rang Hospital B, and thankfully he was there.
All they could tell us was that he had literally just arrived, and was being seen to by the doctor at that very moment, and that they wouldn’t be able to update us for at least a half-hour, possibly more.

Wayne then rang us again, in a bit of a panic as he had gone to Hospital A, and had found out that they had taken our son to the more acute care hospital further away, due to some concern that he was exhibiting signs of internal bleeding – and he wanted to let us know that he was now on the way to Hospital B.
Bless his heart!

The next few hours were pretty scary.
One feels sooo helpless when you’re far away from your babies, and you know things aren’t right with them – and theres not a damn thing you can do!

Finally we got to speak to him very briefly, and although he was groggy, and tearful (in shock!) he was in quite good spirits, but a fair bit of pain.
He had just had scans done, was awaiting results, and was being given more pain medication.

The day wore on, and we only received sketchy updates, until finally around 5pm, when we heard that he was well enough that they were going to let him go home.

Such incredible relief!!!

We spoke to him again briefly after he got home last night, and he was very sore and still very shaken – as was to be expected – and was on his way to bed.
But he had got to hold his daughter, and we know that that alone is enough to give him the strength to bounce back to full health, quickly.

We feel so very blessed and fortunate to have had the day turn out so well.

It could have gone so very very differently…
Today, we could be mourning the loss of one of our children, but instead we are feeling so very thankful and grateful that things turned out as they did!

Don’t forget to tell your kids how much you love them, and how proud you are of them – you never know when you might not get the chance to do it ever again…

Sarah

 

Mummas Nightmare Motorbike Accident
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Mummas Nightmare Motorbike Accident

the smoking gun

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I am a smoker.
I won’t be in a weeks time – but today – I am.

I had my first ‘serious’ cigarette somewhere around the age of 12, and we’ve been close companions for most of the last 40+ years.

I’ve had a few times when I have quit, particularly over the last couple of years, but have taken it up again; not particularly because I wanted to – but because My Love is a smoker too – and when My Love smokes, I can’t bare to be near her, because of the smell.

Its not because it makes me yearn for a cigarette – its because it makes me want to vomit.
Literally.

For a long time I’ve been angry at My Love about the whole ‘smoking business’.

Unlike many others, My Love knows that I have a terminal lung disease.

My Love sees the constant battle that I have with breathing.
Watches as I cough until I almost can’t catch my breath.
Does physio on my back when my coughing isn’t ‘strong enough’ to clear the crap out of my airways; so that i can breathe a little easier.

My Love sees me when I am exhausted, just from getting dressed in the morning.
Sees when I take my puffer before go out the door, so that I can hopefully clear out my lungs enough before I get to work, that I won’t embarrass myself by hacking up endlessly throughout the morning.

My Love sees how quickly I get puffed out, from simple chores like making the bed, or doing the vacuuming, or bringing bags of groceries from the car.

But don’t get me wrong!!

My Love helps me every.single.day – helps to make my life easier, less stressful both physically and mentally, and helps with doing things I either can’t, or get exhausted doing.

But the thing that ‘gets’ me – that I don’t understand no matter how hard I try – is why this fiercely stubborn person – who only a few short years ago lost 30kg after getting annoyed once too often, at being overweight – gives up on quitting smoking before even giving it a red-hot proper go.

My Love researched losing weight, set the scene around the house for the best chance of success, then got super-sensible about food and some gentle movement.
Having got annoyed about being overweight – it was “game on” and there was no question about who was going to be the winner.

That ‘fat’ was goinnn’ downnnnn!!!!

And down it went.
And down it stayed, for quite a few years!

Yep – eventually my Love got a bit complacent, and work took over all of the focus, and the food-awareness slipped – but still all of the weight didn’t return.
Yep – my Love is heavier now than a few years ago – but is certainly still within a healthy range.
(& still super-delicious!!)

So WHY – when my Love knows that this is unmistakably killing me, and that its killing her too – does she continue to do it?
And why – when previously having chosen (not asked, nor forced) to go on a quit-smoking mission, has self-sabotage, deception and ultimately quitting quitting been the order of the day?

I just don’t get it….!!!

I can state without any shadow of a doubt, that there is not.one.thing that I wouldn’t give up in a heartbeat – if it meant that my Loves life or the life of my Children, might have a chance of being prolonged.

There is nothing I wouldn’t give up, if I could help to improve the health of my Spouse or my Children.

N O T H I N G ! ! !

But its me who puts each cigarette in my mouth.
Its me who goes through the ritual of striking the lighter, its me holding the flame to the end of a new cigarette, and its me who draws the smoke down into my lungs.

Cigarettes are killing me – and I am the one holding the smoking gun…

So – a week today – and I’ll be done.

A week today, I will have had my final cigarette the day before.
And a year from today – I will hopefully remember to check back in and tell you how bloody awesome I am, that I’m coming up on a year clean.

Sarah

 

 


I have been journaling (hand-written) for the last week or so, in the lead-up to quitting – its kind of an ‘accountability’ thing to myself – and this was one of the pages that I did. I want work, colleagues, family, friends and every bloody body, to know – that this time round, i HAVE to win, I have to stay clean – I’m not ready to die just yet…

 

 

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