wild ride 2



In part one of wild ride, I explained about some of the stuff that’s been going on for me of late, but the update was getting a bit long-winded, so here we are with part 2!

Over the last 6 months, my breathing has been getting worse – I have a regular irritating dry cough, and there are changes to my voice.

I’ve been putting off going to the Dr – basically because I knew I was getting worse, and didn’t really want to face that fact.

However last week it was finally time…

When I made the appointment, it was also planned that I would have an updated spirometry done whilst I was there.
So the day arrived, and I trotted off and did my spirometry, then went in to see my Dr.

My results weren’t brilliant, and my spirometry is now showing that I’ve gone from having a ‘moderate’ breathing issue, to it being ‘severe’.

My Dr advised that I needed to have xrays done, and that I needed to go to the city to see the Respiratory Specialist.
So I left with instructions in hand, and later that day went to the local hospital to have my xrays.

Not long after I got home, the Specialist telephoned me to say that they had an opening available on the March 7th – so I’ve taken it, and now need to wait to see what happens next.

Gotta say – I’m a lil worried – but am hoping for the best, obviously…!

i broke



I broke.
Plain and simple – i broke…
This past fortnight – my mind just couldn’t keep itself together anymore, and i broke…

I went to the Doctor back before we went to New Zealand, just for a general annual checkup; and when we were finishing up, I told him that there was something that I had forgotten, but I didn’t know what it was – so as I was paying my bill and leaving, I made another appointment (cos this guy is super hard to get into!) and that appointment date finally rolled around, and was yesterday.

It would have been great if it was a week or two earlier – but I’m sure glad I made it – even if I’ve had to wait almost 2 months to attend it.

The thing that I had forgotten at the first appointment, was the worsening connective tissue pain that I have been experiencing for about a year.
I am now at the point where raising my left arm above level, causes a huge amount of pain, and a range of other areas (elbow, wrists, back, hips) are all suffering various degrees of the same issue.

However, in the last few weeks, ‘Life’ has been getting on top of me more and more, and as mentioned in another post I wrote about the blur – where I explained that I could feel myself slowly spiralling into panic – last week that panic hit full-blast – and I ended up not being able to even manage to go to work last Thursday, and I spent a big part of the day alternately sobbing my heart out; and wading around the Farm feeling thoroughly hopeless and helpless with no idea what to do…

There have been a couple of red-flag moments in the last couple of weeks, and whilst this last week has been a big improvement on the previous two, I know that I can’t work through this one on my own.

Its been a hard realization – and it was even harder to tell our Dr/friend – who is so used to me being buoyant and bolshy, that I was drowning.

I didn’t particularly want to – but as I sat there with him, working out what plan of action we were going to take next to investigate what was going on with my body – I knew that I needed to ask him for help with sorting out my mind too…

So here we are at the start of a new week – and today I’m not doing so flash.

It took me until about lunchtime to do the dishes – something that I usually do as soon as breakfast is done.

I can’t settle my thoughts onto anything, and I keep realising I’ve started doing 10 things and forgotten each of them part way through, and only noticed that I hadn’t finished them, when I found them not completed!

I also have a raging headache – even though I’ve taken two lots of paracetamol.

My brain just feels super foggy.

Late tomorrow (Tuesday) I go back to see the doctor, as he wants to do some more anxiety/depression testing on me and check on the reults from the bloods I had drawn last week, before I go to see the psychologist on Wednesday morning – which it seems I was lucky to get into so quickly, after being told by the Dr it would probably take a couple of weeks…

I also have work tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday – and right at this minute, I’m not sure how I’m going to manage with that – particularly as I am going to have to leave work to attend my psych appointment – and then (in theory) go back to work after it, as its a mid-morning appointment.

I’m also anxious about the trip away that I need to make at the end of this week.
I’ll be away for five days.

I need to go help my sister sort out and pack up the home that my mother and her husband lived in, until they went into the aged care home – and its something that I very much feel that I need to go help her do – and it will be great to see two of my brothers at the same time – but I’m not one of those people who enjoy being away from home, and don’t feel very competent at this solo-travel business – even though in my head I know that I’m perfectly capable of it, and did it very successfully loads of times, in my youth!!

Part of me feels like if I can make it through this week, I’ll make it through whatever is coming at me next – but all I can do for now, is to keep reminding myself to breathe, to concentrate on what I can do, and to let go of any expectation of what this week should ‘look like’.

Its an unknown, and I have to be ok with that, and try roll with it…

back to bed


As you know, I’ve been having issues with hip/back/leg pain for a while, and whilst for a short period in feb/early march – it seemed to be finally getting a bit better after repeated Dr & Physio visits, it got dramatically worse last week – so it was back to the Physio and the Doctor, and after a case-conference between the two – a decision has been made.

The discs between L3-L4 & L4-L5 are pushing on my spinal cord / nerves – which is whats causing bouts of agonising pain, as well as lack of sleep from said pain.

I have been placed on medical leave for the next four weeks, but am told it could well be 8+ weeks – and I have been ordered to be on bed rest.
I am NOT allowed to:
do stairs
do hills
drive for more that a couple of kms (not too often)
sit for any extended periods of time other than meals / toilet

i AM allowed to:
lie in bed
lie semi-propped up in bed
sit for short periods
slow walks around on flat surfaces

I’ve been informed that due to the fact that my spinal nerve is already being impacted, we need to keep a watch out for any further loss of feeling, or loss of bladder/bowel control, as this could well lead to an emergency that would require surgery within 24hrs.

I haven’t quite worked out how Digby can be looked after properly quite yet – and am seriously thinking I might have re-home him.
It will be sad if I have to – but I want what’s best for him, and the options in front of us at the moment make me think that that’s probably going to be the best option.
I don’t want him to be confined or unhappy… 😒

I’ll certainly have time over the coming days and weeks, to work out and put systems in place for how our Life will be for the next while – including where I will spend the majority of the time.
House or Farm.
There’s positives and negatives for both!

Today is my first day home by myself, and I am at the Farm.
Digby is with me.
We found out right before the weekend – so at least I had my Love home to cheer me up for the first few days – when I was feeling very very raw. (Actually, we both were…)

Its such a gorgeous cool overcast day out today – with the sun occasionally jolting through to warm the grass – and there is a crisp breeze blowing.
Every fibre of my being wants to be out in the garden, potting up seeds, or planting seedlings, or papering and mulching.
BUT – I am semi-propped in my bed doing my blogging, and Digby is lying at my feet snoring.
He did however bring me in an empty pot…
I don’t quite know if he was trying to comfort, or tease me!! 😀

At least I have lots of windows and glass doors surrounding me, that I can see out into the garden from; and I have started a list of things already that I would like to get a start on, whilst I’m required to “stay still”, which I regularly get sidetracked from doing, when I am dealing with my usual day of chores and work.
Blogging, organisational lists for the Farm, outstanding letters and calls, long-term menu planning, and working out the intricacies of online grocery shopping – just to name a few! lol

Although I will have the ‘time’ – I probably won’t blog here much more than usual, as I don’t want posts to be nothing more than the ongoing wafflings of my ‘back saga’.
That would get realllllll old, realllllll fast – for all of us.
And right about as interesting as watching paint dry!!

Well, its time for me to go for a short stroll around the room – I need a change of position for a few minutes. lol

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Until next time, look after YOU!



My trusty Digby – snoozing away the morning, whilst I do my blogging from my bed.
At least I have a lovely view of the trees, from the window at my bedside.
Our Darling youngest daughter visited over the weekend, arriving just after we were given ‘the news’ – and she bought a special little plant for my bedside , to cheer me up. **sob** :))

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