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Recently – I have felt myself spiraling in panic.
This is not a ‘new’ sensation for me.
When parts of my life are not running smoothly and for some reason, Continue reading “the blur”
Tag: hope
lists aplenty
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Its only a matter of days now, before we leave on our much-needed vacation, so as you can imagine I am neck deep in planning and organising, which for me means the there are lists aplenty going on!
Lists for whats already packed, lists for what still needs to be packed, list for things that need doing around the house and garden, and lists about whom we still need to see to take care of our Home, Farm and animals while we’re gone.
Lists to remind us of what needs printing out, a list that spells out our semi-intended itinerary, and a meal-planning list so that there is hopefully minimal amounts of food that will need to be composted prior to us leaving.
As I’ve said before, its two years since we last went to New Zealand, and it will be our very first extended leave away from the Farm, since we bought it.
And I’m freaking out just a wee bit! 😐
Its such a double-dilemma for me personally…
New Zealand is my soul-home.
It is where I belong.
It is where my insides quieten, and my heart feels full.
Had Life panned out differently, we would currently be nestled in our home at Okiato, overlooking Opua Harbour right now…but that didn’t pan out – so compromises had to be made, and dreams re-developed.
Now – we have our beautiful Farm, nestled in the foothills of the Carrington Ranges – and we live in a small 63m2 (678ft2) home that we’re in the process of converting from a machinery shed.
And I love our Home and Farm fiercely!
They too, now feed my soul and fill my heart…
The Farm is my haven.
Its where my soul gets replenished when the rest of ‘life’ drains me.
Its my safe place.
Its where no-one judges me.
It is where I grow food to nourish our bodies while the serenity nourishes my mind and spirit.
Because of this, there is a part of me doesn’t want to go away and leave them, for what feels like soooo long!
I know…. first world problems right?! 😐
So – I’m more than a tad angsty right now.
The list-making helps me feel more in control of that – and I keep reminding myself that I’m going to my soul-home for a while so we can both rest, relax, regroup and reconnect – I’m not leaving our Farm, never to return!
I am going somewhere special to spend time with someone special.
I am going to go and make memories to hold deep in my heart.
I’m going ‘home’ for a little while… And we’ll be back wrapped in the safety of our gorgeous serene Farm before we even know it, wondering how on earth the time passed so damn quick!
What’s not to love, with the changing of the colours of the trees signalling the changing of the seasons.
THIS is what we’re off to spend time soaking up…
Theres noooo business like snowwwww business….!
The most gorgeous scenery in the entire world.
making friends part 2
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So after talking about how difficult making friends is – and how bloody rubbish I am at it – a strange thing happened the week before last…
I had two ‘coffee dates’!!
One Friday – one the following Monday.
The one on Friday was the second time I have had coffee with this person, who for the purpose of lessening confusion, we’ll call Person A.
At that stage, I was still in the “i don’t know if she’s my kinda people” stage of things, and whilst there was a lot about her that gelled with my ethos etc, I just wasn’t fully convinced that this was going to be a worthwhile investment for either her or me….
The following Mondays coffee date was someone I have known for quite a number of years. (yep, Person B)
We originally met at work, and these days we work pretty much parallel to one another.
She’s someone that I don’t spend any real social time with usually, but that I do trust to keep my confidences anyways…
Sooooo – I was talking with her about my recent ponderings on ‘friendships’ and how difficult I find them to navigate them, and she is very much in the same boat, as we are both hermits-by-choice outside of work.
I went on to tell her about the two coffee dates that I had had with Person A, and was giving her a run-down of what had transpired on each ‘date’, when I noticed her face was looking more and more incredulous.
And as I was talking, and actually listening to myself talk – I was putting these two seperate events with the same person, into one almost-combined story, and it gave me such an incredible dose of clarity that it actually had me quite gob-smacked for the rest of the day!!
You see, when events happen separately, we tend to tell people about them separately.
For example, each time I had had coffee with Person A, I had come home and told my Love all about it.
What we did, what was said, all the sort of waffley stuff you talk to your Spouse about…
But these coffee dates were a couple of weeks apart, so me giving my Love a rundown of the mornings were obviously also a couple of weeks apart.
But when I was talking to Person B about them, I was telling her about the two events all at once.
And boy oh boy – did that make things sound a whole lot different to my ears, to what I had previously thought I was thinking!!
It was an amazing epiphany – and I think there was even the whole ‘parting of the clouds with rays of sunshine shining through‘ to go with it!!!
Anyways – the upshot of it all is this:
I am going to be brave!
I’m going to be ‘investing‘ in Person B – I’m going to be vulnerable and raw and honest – and all I can hope for is that I come out the end of it with the friend that I think is waiting there for me – and not with feelings of regret and wariness or a whole new level of being reserved and guarded instead…
Wish me luck please!
dental distractions
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UGH!
Damn dental distractions!!
Its been a rather ‘uncomfortable’ week with me trying to ignore a possibly impending tooth infection, that didn’t go away when it was ignored, and thus resulted in me having to leave work when Continue reading “dental distractions”
glad you asked!
Smoking you ask?
Are you still smoking?
Wellllll – I’m glad you asked!!
It’s a month in (well, 4 weeks lol) – in case you’ve been keeping track – and still she doesn’t smoke!
That’s right folks.
I’m a month clean!!
But what I’m even more incredibly proud and grateful for – is that my Love is also a month clean of not smoking!!!
Neither of us can say that there haven’t been times when we’d have liked to have had a cigarette – that would be outright lying – and when our son got hit by a car whilst riding his motorbike to work one morning, and was whisked off by Ambulance with expected internal bleeding – welllll…. it was pretty much a ‘perfect-storm excuse’ for either of us to have wimped out and given in.
But we DIDN’T!!!
Yep – we still need to remind ourselves every.single.day that we can’t have ‘just one or two’ – because there is no such thing.
But a month in, and we’re still making the choice every day, to stay nicotine free.
I’m super proud of us 🙂 🙂 🙂
gettin’ closer
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Its a year on from my “one step at a time” post – and I’m reflecting a bit about where I am now as opposed to this time last year.
Some things haven’t yet changed.
I am still at my job as a Manager, I am still working three days a week, and I’m still not a full-time HouseSpouse.
YET!
A lot has change though…
We have the house in town on the market – for sale.
We have moved full-time into the FarmHouse.
We have stacks of garden beds that are flourishing with edible produce, that fills our bellies with wholesome homegrown goodness.
We have enough surplus veggies that I am able to do canning so that our pantry shelves are stocked with a variety of foods that we know the ingredients of, and I routinely make our own bread.
We have chickens that supply us with all of our own fresh eggs, and we home-cook 95% of the food we eat.
I have managed to reduce our food budget substantially.
I have also paid off a lot of credit card debt, and will hopefully have paid off the remainder of it in less than a year.
We also no longer have cable tv or home phone line payments to have to find the money for.
I have reduced my clothing spending significantly, although we are going to need to buy some new-to-us work shirts soon, as the ones we currently share are getting a bit faded and threadbare lol.
And – we’ve reduced our power and water consumption!
I may not be as close to where I want to be as I would like – but I am certainly a lot closer than I was a year ago – and for that, I’m pretty darn proud of the headway I’ve made…
i did it again!
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It was a bit of a shit ending to 2017 for me…
I somehow managed to put my back out again – whilst getting up from the toilet.
How does that even happen!?!?
I spent that day being pretty damn teary and miserable – I didn’t feel like I could go through another few months of being bed bound and rehabbing all over again – but then of course, if this isn’t just a short term flare-up, I don’t have any damn choice in the matter, other than to start back at square one!
Theres also the issue of finances…
My Love has just changed jobs, and needs to re-build her contacts, and get some Sales back under her belt so that the income is back to ‘incoming’, and of course the old employer hasn’t been at all forthcoming with information to her customers when they ring up to get a hold of her – which whilst i know is definitely well within their right, and is totally expected – but it still feels kinda shitty (& petty)…
At the same time – even though the income isn’t what it usually is – the out-goings remain as they were prior to the move, and my part of the income is definitely needed right now, just so that we can eat – so a period of enforced time away from my work and the associated pay-cheque – scares the living daylights outta me!!
Its now almost a month since that happened, and I have been back at physio, had a fortnight of half-days again, at work, and am slowly on the improve.
Its a mentally difficult thing having it in the back of your mind every.single.moment of every.single.day – that at any moment, I could be laid up indefinitely…!
I don’t want to live every aspect of my life being super-careful, but i also know I cant just jump right on in and do everything that i either want to do, or have always done.
Its all a matter of learning and respecting my own limitations.
Not an easy thing – and something I know i will slip up with from time to time – but I’m trying to be sensible!!
One day at a time…
physio f**k-up
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My Physio relocated to one of the southern states back in early October.
Before she left – she arranged for another physio in the same practice to take over my care, as I had seen this other physio a few times (when my usual wasn’t available) and she knew my full history – so there wouldn’t have to be a whole long extended hand-over needed.
I knew I’d been left in good hands, so whilst I was sad that my regular physio – whom i adored – was leaving, I felt confident that I was being left in good hands.
A week later, three days before I was due for my next appointment, I got a call from the receptionist at the clinic – to let me know that there has been a mass ‘walk-out’ (and resignations) of the majority of the physio staff – and that there was only one physio left at the clinic.
They would need to reschedule my next appointment – and with a bloke i had never see before.
I was less than pleased…!
Because there was now only one physio left at the clinic, the rescheduling meant that my next appointment was not for another eight weeks… 😐
Whilst I had managed to whittle down from needing three appointments per week, down to one a week – having to go eight weeks without an appointment scared me rather a lot.
And as luck has it, we live in a small rural community – and therefor don’t have the luxury or access to just going to a different clinic!
I made the appointment.
It was for December 2nd.
November 30th – the clinic called.
My appointment was ‘no longer available’…
I didn’t bother trying to make another.
I’m pissed off, I’m fed-up of being pushed to the back of the line – I’m done.
I don’t yet know quite what I am going to do about finding another physio.
I keep hoping that the girl I was initially scheduled to see when my original physio left, will pop-up somewhere locally, and I can score an appointment with her – but so far its not looking good.
Its been a couple of months now since the walk-out, and she hasn’t turned up anywhere that I have found yet 🙁
I’ll keep looking though, and keep asking around…
I need the help and guidance of a good physio to keep improving my pain and mobility – and to ensure that I dont back-slide too much.
I really dont think I could cope with the unmanaged pain, and being bed-bound again – like I was back in the early months of the year…I just don’t…
Fingers crossed!
today…
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Today is different.
Today I got out of bed quite well rested.
I had a really decent sleep last night, because it rained through the night, and i always sleep soooo much better when it rains.
I have also taken a fortnight off work – which actually winds up being 18 days – so that is a big load of stress gone off my back for the time being!!
And to top it off, I also slept well because My Love & I came to a very important decision last night, Continue reading “today…”
comparisons
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I’m having a bit of a ‘comparison’ dilemma at the moment and whilst I know that comparing oneself to others is never a healthy or helpful thing – I’m just not quite sure how to get it “out of my system”…
It makes it that much harder – because the person I am making the comparison with, is my Love.
My Love is 5 years older than me, and is a healthy happy vibrant person, who loves Continue reading “comparisons”