Tag: choose your attitude

southbound again

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SO…here I am once again sitting at the airport, waiting to get on a flight and I’m southbound again to go and help with tidying up yet more affairs of my deceased Mumma and her very-much-alive Hubby (TnT) – who is now in Aged Care.

Its been a pretty stressful time for the last fortnight, with the house having gone on the market, selling really quite quickly, then T initially not wanting to sign the contract, but eventually signing it, and then after the house became unconditional, he refused to sign Continue reading “southbound again”

1st session

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Well the poor counsellor probably needed a bex and a lie-down after she had finished her first hour with me the other day!

It was pretty much like shaking up a coke bottle then flipping off the lid.
A whole damn lot of built-up stuff just came spewing forth filling up every spare space in the room.

The counsellor was a lovely lady and despite me having a panic attack on the way to the appointment – as I wasn’t sure I was in the right building or even in the right waiting room and I was almost late, which always riles me up no end – but once I was settled in on the little couch in her office, I quickly felt comfortable with her, and didn’t feel wary, judged or too vulnerable to be able to feel like I couldn’t speak freely.

All good signs.

Session #1 was pretty much a brief overview of birth to now, and as she said, she could see why I was feeling a little overwhelmed right now – and I think was a little surprised that I hadn’t got to the point of overwhelm long before now!

It was sort of funny watching her try and work out our family dynamics, and even funnier knowing that thus far, she only has the dynamics of my birth family, and my marriage and kids – we haven’t managed to get into any of the nitty gritty yet – like how my best friend is actually My Loves ex-husband! lol

That conversation should be extra entertaining :)))

Following the appointment I had to go back to work, which I had been unsure about prior to the appointment whether I was going to be able to do or not; as I figured that it was going to be an emotionally draining event, and I unsure of how I would feel after it.

Although I was incredibly drained, I felt mentally ok enough with going back to work, so I did – which ended up being fine, as I was incredibly busy for the rest of the day and therefore didn’t have time to dwell or think too much on what my morning had been like…

Needless to say probably, but I was emotionally exhausted by evening, but still managed to get more done when I got home from work than I had managed in the last couple of weeks.

I decided to take the next day off work, as not only was I still processing, but I had to fly out the day after as I was flying to Brisbane, hiring a car and then driving 2hrs north to meet up with family who didn’t know I was coming – and I wanted to get everything sorted at the Farm for while I was away, do some grocery shopping so that my Love didn’t starve to death, and get my bag packed.

I had only planned for carryon baggage, which limits me to 7kg, and with my laptop and charger already coming in at 2kg, that doesn’t leave a whole lot of wiggle room for everything else that needed including!

The amazing thing was though – that the day following my first session, I actually felt the best that I have felt since before I went to New Zealand.

So here I am now at my brother and sister-in-laws place, with a pile of family members; and we have spent the day firstly with my sister and I going and seeing my mothers husband at the aged care home – which was supremely taxing – and then she and I going to their house where we met up with the brothers, and dealing with the cleaning and just generally airing the place out ready for the real estate agent to come through and meet with us on Monday about listing the house for sale.

Its been a really tiring day and the introvert in me is squirming rather a big bit at having all these people around me 24/7 – and of course being away from my Love and being in a strange bed I am not sleeping terribly well – but it is nice to be surrounded by cuddly rellies that I don’t get to see very often – but I’ll still be super-glad to be back with my darling!

Oh – and the next appointment with my counsellor is the day after I get back – so that probably going to end up being perfect timing…
Sarah

i broke

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I broke.
Plain and simple – i broke…
This past fortnight – my mind just couldn’t keep itself together anymore, and i broke…

I went to the Doctor back before we went to New Zealand, just for a general annual checkup; and when we were finishing up, I told him that there was something that I had forgotten, but I didn’t know what it was – so as I was paying my bill and leaving, I made another appointment (cos this guy is super hard to get into!) and that appointment date finally rolled around, and was yesterday.

It would have been great if it was a week or two earlier – but I’m sure glad I made it – even if I’ve had to wait almost 2 months to attend it.

The thing that I had forgotten at the first appointment, was the worsening connective tissue pain that I have been experiencing for about a year.
I am now at the point where raising my left arm above level, causes a huge amount of pain, and a range of other areas (elbow, wrists, back, hips) are all suffering various degrees of the same issue.

However, in the last few weeks, ‘Life’ has been getting on top of me more and more, and as mentioned in another post I wrote about “the blur” – where I explained that I could feel myself slowly spiralling into panic – last week that panic hit full-blast – and I ended up not being able to even manage to go to work last Thursday, and I spent a big part of the day alternately sobbing my heart out; and wading around the Farm feeling thoroughly hopeless and helpless with no idea what to do…

There have been a couple of red-flag moments in the last couple of weeks, and whilst this last week has been a big improvement on the previous two, I know that I can’t work through this one on my own.

Its been a hard realization – and it was even harder to tell our Dr/friend – who is so used to me being buoyant and bolshy, that I was drowning.

I didn’t particularly want to – but as I sat there with him, working out what plan of action we were going to take next to investigate what was going on with my body – I knew that I needed to ask him for help with sorting out my mind too…

So here we are at the start of a new week – and today I’m not doing so flash.

It took me until about lunchtime to do the dishes – something that I usually do as soon as breakfast is done.

I can’t settle my thoughts onto anything, and I keep realising I’ve started doing 10 things and forgotten each of them part way through, and only noticed that I hadn’t finished them, when I found them not completed!
GAH!

I also have a raging headache – even though I’ve taken two lots of paracetamol.

My brain just feels super foggy.

Late tomorrow (Tuesday) I go back to see the doctor, as he wants to do some more anxiety/depression testing on me and check on the reults from the bloods I had drawn last week, before I go to see the psychologist on Wednesday morning – which it seems I was lucky to get into so quickly, after being told by the Dr it would probably take a couple of weeks…

I also have work tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday – and right at this minute, I’m not sure how I’m going to manage with that – particularly as I am going to have to leave work to attend my psych appointment – and then (in theory) go back to work after it, as its a mid-morning appointment.

I’m also anxious about the trip away that I need to make at the end of this week.
I’ll be away for five days.

I need to go help my sister sort out and pack up the home that my mother and her husband lived in, until they went into the aged care home – and its something that I very much feel that I need to go help her do – and it will be great to see two of my brothers at the same time – but I’m not one of those people who enjoy being away from home, and don’t feel very competent at this solo-travel business – even though in my head I know that I’m perfectly capable of it, and did it very successfully loads of times, in my youth!!

Part of me feels like if I can make it through this week, I’ll make it through whatever is coming at me next – but all I can do for now, is to keep reminding myself to breathe, to concentrate on what I can do, and to let go of any expectation of what this week should ‘look like’.

Its an unknown, and I have to be ok with that, and try roll with it…
Sarah

this week

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One of the things that give me ‘anticipatory’ anxiety, is Mondays – the day before I have to go back to my paid job.

Whilst I am winding it down, and getting it to a place where I can hand it off to someone else; I need to stay in my current role for the time being – until we have a few more ‘ducks in a row’. Continue reading “this week”

lists aplenty

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Its only a matter of days now, before we leave on our much-needed vacation, so as you can imagine I am neck deep in planning and organising, which for me means the there are lists aplenty going on!

Lists for whats already packed, lists for what still needs to be packed, list for things that need doing around the house and garden, and lists about whom we still need to see to take care of our Home, Farm and animals while we’re gone.

Lists to remind us of what needs printing out, a list that spells out our semi-intended itinerary, and a meal-planning list so that there is hopefully minimal amounts of food that will need to be composted prior to us leaving.

As I’ve said before, its two years since we last went to New Zealand, and it will be our very first extended leave away from the Farm, since we bought it.
And I’m freaking out just a wee bit! 😐

Its such a double-dilemma for me personally…

New Zealand is my soul-home.
It is where I belong.
It is where my insides quieten, and my heart feels full.

Had Life panned out differently, we would currently be nestled in our home at Okiato, overlooking Opua Harbour right now…but that didn’t pan out – so compromises had to be made, and dreams re-developed.

Now – we have our beautiful Farm, nestled in the foothills of the Carrington Ranges – and we live in a small 63m2 (678ft2) home that we’re in the process of converting from a machinery shed.
And I love our Home and Farm fiercely!

They too, now feed my soul and fill my heart…

The Farm is my haven.
Its where my soul gets replenished when the rest of ‘life’ drains me.
Its my safe place.
Its where no-one judges me.
It is where I grow food to nourish our bodies while the serenity nourishes my mind and spirit.

Because of this, there is a part of me doesn’t want to go away and leave them, for what feels like soooo long!

I know…. first world problems right?! 😐

So – I’m more than a tad angsty right now.
The list-making helps me feel more in control of that – and I keep reminding myself that I’m going to my soul-home for a while so we can both rest, relax, regroup and reconnect – I’m not leaving our Farm, never to return!

I am going somewhere special to spend time with someone special.
I am going to go and make memories to hold deep in my heart.
I’m going ‘home’ for a little while… And we’ll be back wrapped in the safety of our gorgeous serene Farm before we even know it, wondering how on earth the time passed so damn quick!
Sarah


What’s not to love, with the changing of the colours of the trees signalling the changing of the seasons.
THIS is what we’re off to spend time soaking up…


Theres noooo business like snowwwww business….!
The most gorgeous scenery in the entire world.

making friends part 2

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So after talking about how difficult making friends is – and how bloody rubbish I am at it – a strange thing happened the week before last…

I had two ‘coffee dates’!!

One Friday – one the following Monday.

The one on Friday was the second time I have had coffee with this person, who for the purpose of lessening confusion, we’ll call Person A.

At that stage, I was still in the “i don’t know if she’s my kinda people” stage of things, and whilst there was a lot about her that gelled with my ethos etc, I just wasn’t fully convinced that this was going to be a worthwhile investment for either her or me….

The following Mondays coffee date was someone I have known for quite a number of years. (yep, Person B)
We originally met at work, and these days we work pretty much parallel to one another.
She’s someone that I don’t spend any real social time with usually, but that I do trust to keep my confidences anyways…

Sooooo – I was talking with her about my recent ponderings on ‘friendships’ and how difficult I find them to navigate them, and she is very much in the same boat, as we are both hermits-by-choice outside of work.

I went on to tell her about the two coffee dates that I had had with Person A, and was giving her a run-down of what had transpired on each ‘date’, when I noticed her face was looking more and more incredulous.

And as I was talking, and actually listening to myself talk – I was putting these two seperate events with the same person, into one almost-combined story, and it gave me such an incredible dose of clarity that it actually had me quite gob-smacked for the rest of the day!!

You see, when events happen separately, we tend to tell people about them separately.
For example, each time I had had coffee with Person A, I had come home and told my Love all about it.
What we did, what was said, all the sort of waffley stuff you talk to your Spouse about…

But these coffee dates were a couple of weeks apart, so me giving my Love a rundown of the mornings were obviously also a couple of weeks apart.

But when I was talking to Person B about them, I was telling her about the two events all at once.

And boy oh boy – did that make things sound a whole lot different to my ears, to what I had previously thought I was thinking!!

It was an amazing epiphany – and I think there was even the whole ‘parting of the clouds with rays of sunshine shining through‘ to go with it!!!

Anyways – the upshot of it all is this:
I am going to be brave!

I’m going to be ‘investing‘ in Person B – I’m going to be vulnerable and raw and honest – and all I can hope for is that I come out the end of it with the friend that I think is waiting there for me – and not with feelings of regret and wariness or a whole new level of being reserved and guarded instead…

Wish me luck please!
Sarah

making friends part 2

its gone…

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Its gone…

After my post about dental distractions the other day – sadly the delight and belief didn’t pan out this time around – and whilst it initially seemed to be getting better, after a night of almost no sleep other than fitful dozing; and taking faaaaar too many doses of pain medication throughout the night last night, this morning I had an emergency appointment at the dentist in town.

Thankfully they managed to get me in as the first appointment of the day.

And so now, the final tooth on my lower jaw has been removed – and I cant help but be a bit sad…

I’ve fought so damn hard over so many years to keep that final tooth there – particularly when so many dentists before my current one said it would never last – but I managed another 15 years with it, so I’m grateful for that…

The dentist has given me a few days off work, but I’ll see how I feel tomorrow and decide about work then.

I also need to go and see the Dental Tech, and work out about getting fitted for; and having a full denture made.

I think that I can probably ‘make do‘ with my current one for the time being, but because it has spaces in it for teeth that used to be there (its a partial) the food is going to get under it – even if it is glued in.

For now, my Love has just bought me home a reusable straw, so that I can get something into my tummy!

I didn’t get to eat much dinner due to pain last night, and have missed breakfast and lunch today – and am now pretty darn hungry – so soup it will be.
And I’m certainly looking forward to it!!
Sarah

partial denture
Not the sort of photo one would usually willing post online, but dentures aren’t a topic that people ever really talk about…and I’m all for having the difficult or uncomfortable talks!

soup and straw
Breakfast and lunch all rolled into one cup of chicken soup, with my nice reusable straw; a gift from my Love.

making friends

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Friends – thats todays subject!
Is it just me, or do others find it incredibly hard to make super-close friends?

I have a lot of people that I know that I can go have a cuppa, a meal, a wine etc with, or that I chat to with some regularity, but usually on a fairly superficial level – but I have no-one that I honestly feel I could share anything+everything with.

I know a part of it is my reticence to be truely vulnerable with people, particularly after two incidents when i thought i had made a close friend – only to find that the friendship wasn’t what i believed it to be – and i got very hurt in the process…

Throughout school (and we’re still friends to this day actually!) I had a wonderful friend Helen that knew every secret I held.
Knew me probably almost better than I knew myself at that age! lol
We can still pick up where we last left off with none of that awful awkwardness, and I would trust telling her anything – but the sad reality is – that we only catch up every few years – so there isn’t that daily / weekly opportunity…

In my 20’s I had another wonderful friend Caroline – who I spoke to every.single.day – and spent a lot of precious time with, and we aways had each others back.
That woman kept my sanity intact for a lotta years(!!) – but then I moved away, and we just seemed to slip away from each other…

Fast forward and here I am in my 50’s.

I had one brief friendship that meant a lot to me, that was ‘blossoming’, when I was in my mid-forties, but then she moved away – and it just sort of moved on without the necessary contact that close friendships take…

And these day I just don’t quite know how one gets to that place of going from a casual acquaintance / friend, to being someone who is really close!!

I know it takes an investment of time – and of course a certain amount of trust, vulnerability and faith – but how does one know just when the time is, that its safe to roll out those parts of you?

What if you think you like someone enough to be a friend, and then you have a few coffee ‘dates’, a few chats, maybe a lunch or two, and you get to thinking “naaaaaa – this just isn’t my kind of person” – how do you then dial it back without appearing rude, when up until then you’d been willing to invest the time, just in case this was going to be a friendship that worked out?
(and YES – I’m very aware that it might be me, who isn’t someone else idea of ‘the right person‘!)

How do you even know that you’re capable of being a decent friend?

Maybe I don’t have close friends ‘cos i’m not only not good at the making-friends part of it, but maybe i’m actually someone that people just aren’t draw to, to make friends with!!
Perhaps not a pleasant thought – but one that certainly needs looking at in the interests of honesty! 😐

I’m not one for groups, teams, hobbies, sports or crafts – so that way of meeting people is out.
I also don’t still have kids at school any more, so thats not an option.
Not only would the parents at the school-gate probably feel a little ‘young’ for me, but it would just be creepy to have some old lady without a kid to pick up, hanging’ out at the school-gates, trying to talk to random people!! 😀

Work is work and whilst I have met a few people through my work whom I feel like I have ‘clicked’ with – there is still the whole ‘work’ thing about it (and often a ‘hierarchy’ thing), that just makes it feel kinda awkward – both for me and them.

Sooooo – what does one do?
How do YOU go about this whole ‘making friends’ business?

Thoughts and opinions welcome and encouraged, so please feel free to share, as I’d love to get a wealth of knowledge and opinions on this topic! 🙂

Cheers,

Sarah

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