wild ride




Its been a wild ride for the last few weeks, and a ride that I’m still in the midst of, and I’ve gotta say – that some of it I’m not lovin’ so much!!

I’d been starting to ‘spiral’ a bit after I last posted, but then a series of events happened that just swamped me totally, and I felt like that wild ride was taking me crashing back down through the floor…

Firstly, whilst I was seeing some small advances with our joint counselling sessions, I was feeling like the majority of any getting-ahead was happening mostly only in the sessions, and wasn’t transferring to our real-world everyday Life.
And I was feeling a bit ‘played’, by that.

Then, the State that we live in which has been suffering from the most gut-wrenching droughts, where stock had been routinely starving to death, and Farmers were walking away from their Lands in despair – was suddenly engulfed in never-before-seen ammounts of water from weeks of torrential rains, then the resulting total devastation of flash-flooding.

The majority of the stock that Farmers had been able to hand-feed and keep alive – were washed away and drowned, and the Farmers have been left with mass piles of stinking rotting carcasses to try and bury / dispose of.

Some of our family members were in the path of that flooding, with our eldest daughter having to evacuate and her home being inundated with mud and water over a metre deep – which destroyed almost all of their belongings, including precious photo albums.

And then…

And then a friends husband tragically died in a freak accident, leaving her and her two small children shell-shocked and (obviously!) devastated.

The crazy circumstance of his death, his young age, the ‘unfairness’ of it all, sent my already wobbly emotions right over the edge!

I knew it was time for a solo check-in with my counsellor, and she thankfully managed to fit me in on fairly short notice.

I think I spent most of that hour sobbing.

But there were a few things that floated to the surface for me, that I recognised were of importance to me and needed to be ‘dealt with’, in some way…

The first was about the old adage of the days being long, but Life being short – and this one hits me more and more in the face, as each day, week, month, year passes.

We have one short, important, glorious, fucked-up, amazing, beautiful Life, which is gone before you can barely blink – and in some cases, is over with before it’s even properly begun.
This also becomes even more obvious on a daily basis, when you have a life-limiting illness…

The second thing was – that I have the right to make certain (reasonable) demands of people and to have and impose boundaries around how I am treated, and that it’s ok to not put up with being treated in a way that I find less-than-acceptable or inappropriate.

That evening, My Love and I had a big talk.
Wellllll – in all honesty, I did the majority of the talking – in amongst a pile of sobbing, sniffling and tears!

I laid out how I was feeling, as best I could, and explained in brief what I felt I needed.

Two nights later, my Love initiated a conversation.

It was a conversation of plans and intentions – and I’ve heard it a number of times before, but I am willing once again to see if this time around the intention will ’stick’, or if it will just fade away as it has before…

At only about 10 days in, we had our next joint counselling session.

I was in the midsts of telling our counsellor a very broad overview of what had been going on, and was explaining that although we were only 10 days in from the conversation that had been initiated by My Love, that I was feeling hopeful, and more trusting and respectful toward My Love, when our counsellor asked if she could know what the conversation had actually been about.

My Love said “no – not at the moment”, and it felt (to me) like that was right about the moment that the session came to a stand-still.

Our counsellor – bless her heart – tried to move it along, but everything after that was just superficial chit-chat.

At the close of the session, she reminded us that we needed to revisit our conversations and to keep having them, even though it would be hard work and uncomfortable for us both.

We agreed.

That was just over 2 weeks ago.

I’ve sent My Love an email about our session – but I’ve had no response.

And there have been no further conversations…

pain in the…

I’ve been off work most of this week, having only managed one day, before my back and hip decided that they were going to cause me a living merry hell and make sitting at a desk – or doing much of anything useful really – an extremely painful process.

So midway through the afternoon on Tuesday I finally gave in and left work, heading straight to the Doctors, wanting to get some help.
Another two prescriptions and a referral later, I limped my sorry self off home, and promptly made an appointment for the next day, for the referred Physiotherapist.

Now…I went to a physio after my last hip&back flare-up back in January, but was thoroughly underwhelmed by the treatment given; which equated to about 20mins of a ‘tens’ machine on my back, whilst I did some prescribed knee-to-chest stretches, whilst lying flat on my back on a hard skinny table, and he consulted with another client, in a different room.

I left there feeling less than encouraged, with instructions to do 2 certain exercises for the next couple weeks, and see how I went.
I really felt like the care-factor was hovering around zero!

BUT – just on the off-chance that he did have a clue as to what he was talking about, I spent the next four or five weeks doing said exercises.
I can’t in all honesty though, say that I noticed any discernible difference in my healing or core-strength, than I had at other times, when my back and hips had been bad, and I had just let nature take its course.

And whilst over time my pain lessened, it didn’t fully go away, and I felt within myself that something wasn’t right, and that it had left me ‘damaged’ – and then it blew up big-time this week!

This time around, I went to a different Physio.
I’d heard a few people talking about this particular business, and all of them have been glowing reports – so I bit the bullet, made the appointment, and at the allotted time on Wednesday morning, I fronted up for my appointment.

The Physiotherapist that I was allocated was named Emma…She looked about 12… 😐

Well, says I to myself – I went to a bloke who was older than me, and it was a definite disaster – so going to a girl who looked young enough to be my grandchild (not really, but you know how it can feel like that sometimes…!) couldn’t be any worse, and with a bit of luck, her knowledge base would be fresh and current, and she’d still be in the first flushes of passion in her career, and be really good.

Well, I gotta say, and very happily so – that Emma blew me out of the water!!

She was incredibly knowledgeable, in ways that none of the previous Doctors or Therapists had been about bodily mechanisms.
She listened to my history; took a full examination of not only how I walked, what ranges of movement I had – both active and passive, but also a manual physical assessment examination was carried out.

She then taught me how and why the chronic pain was an ongoing issue, showed me just what was happening inside my body each time there was a flare-up, and explained in great depth about what “we” needed to get started on, on our way to getting it under control, and possibly even remedied.

She spent time massaging those areas of muscle that had atrophied, to get them to loosen.
She showed me a different way of ‘consciously’ walking – as the flare-up in January had left me with quite a limp, along with some noted muscle damage.
She showed me a better way of lying to sleep, so as not to aggravate the condition.
And she showed me three seperate exercises to do a few times a day, each day, at home – to help strengthen the muscles, tendons and nerves that all needed help.

We parted with an agreement that we would meet up each week for the next three weeks at least, so we could see if there was suitable improvement; to add extra treatments like acupuncture (which I’m a big fan of!) , and to reassess if we needed to change up the plan at all, or if we found that xyz wasn’t quite working.

I left the Practice feeling like I finally have someone who is “on my side”, with getting this issue sorted.
I feel like I am part of a team that is working on this, and I feel like this girl gives-a-damn about me, my pain, and my recovery.

For the first time in a long time, I’m feeling optimistic about there being a time in the future, when everything that I do, isn’t in some way impinged upon or limited by either pain, or range of movement.

Yes, I’m getting older, and we all age differently – but I can’t help but feel a certain amount of envy when I see people in their 60s, 70s and 80s who appear so much more agile and able than I am.

It’s also actually quite embarrassing when one can’t do ‘stuff’ that the average person my age would be ‘expected’ to be able to do…

I’m only a few days post-visit, and I’m not about to tell you that a miracle has happened or that I’m healed and bouncing about like a 20 year old again.
I’m still having considerable pain for the first few hours of the day, but my 10 or 11, I can get about without much if any of a limp at all, and without having to hold on to the furniture or walls for support.
That alone is a huge relief.

I’m pretty sure my large dog was getting fed up of being my mobile walking stick, but unfortunately for him, and fortunately for me, his back and shoulders are just the right height for me to hold on to, to move around!
Over the last few months, he has been an amazing help to me, especially in being able to get up the front stairs of the house in town, of which there are about 20.
I can hang on to him, and he pulls me up the stairs.
I bet he wishes I were a more successful dieter!! lol

Ive been doing my prescribed exercises; though one of them I have been doing to a lesser extent, due to the pain that it induces, which according to the printouts Emma gave me: it should be uncomfortable, but not painful.
Its been interesting to monitor myself with how I walk, sit and sleep – and to correct each of those in the ways she has taught me.
Our built-in ways of doing sub-conscious things like these, can be difficult to retrain, and take quite a bit of conscious effort!

So – even though its only early days, and only time will tell how this will evolve – I am definitely feeling quietly optimistic…
I’ll be sure to let you know how its all going, after a few weeks of being in treatment!

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A letter to my Son


I had always imagined that this was always going to be a really special year.

Grandma & Grumpa would be 90, Uncle John 60, me 50, You 30, Rian 25 and Tom 21.

Amazing landmarks for our Family, worthy of awesome celebration.
But that wasn’t to be….

I had 15 years with you, and I’ve now had to have 15 without you.

I’m sure many – maybe including you – would say that that’s been my choice, but it hasn’t been…
We both know that.

Whilst our lives may have gone in very different directions, and you’ve chosen that you don’t wish me to have any part of yours; which I’ve respected – but I can’t begin to explain the depths of sadness within me, not having you in my Life brings – and there isn’t a week, a day, that goes past, when you aren’t in my thoughts – both waking and sleeping.

One day – if you have your own children – I can only hope that you never have to make a decision that you believe is in the best interests for your child, that they disagree with…

I do however, hope that you can understand (but never have to experience), if you become a parent – what desperate agonising torture it has been, to not be allowed to go to your graduation; to have no involvement in – or even get to talk to you – on your 18th or 21st; and every other day, plus Christmas and birthdays etc.
To not ever get a reply to any attempts at communication.

But most of all – to not be able to tell you how very much I Love You, and how very proud I am for you, of the man you have worked so hard to become.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday Sweetheart, and that you get to share it with people who love you.
I’m sure your Lady will spoil you silly – and that’s a good thing :))

I love you Josh and will continue to, well beyond this Life, and the next – please never forget that…

Happy Birthday my Love.

Mumma xxx

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