~living this beautiful messy life~
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A year ago today my heart shattered into a million little pieces…
As is usual for anyone when grieving, I felt like I would never be free of the feeling of total and utter devastation that I was going through.
A year ago, I was heartbroken and a chunk had been ripped from my soul – I felt like a mangled piece of road-kill. Continue reading “a year ago”
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Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, a bad relationship – or some of the elements of a bad relationship – follow you through life…
My Father had a bad relationship with alcohol.
When he was alive, I don’t recall a time when I ever thought my Father was an alcoholic – after all, unless it was a special occasion like a sunday lunch out with friends – he would never drink before 6pm.
He didn’t start the day with a ‘heart-starter’, and was never a Continue reading “a bad relationship”
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Its only a matter of days now, before we leave on our much-needed vacation, so as you can imagine I am neck deep in planning and organising, which for me means the there are lists aplenty going on!
Lists for whats already packed, lists for what still needs to be packed, list for things that need doing around the house and garden, and lists about whom we still need to see to take care of our Home, Farm and animals while we’re gone.
Lists to remind us of what needs printing out, a list that spells out our semi-intended itinerary, and a meal-planning list so that there is hopefully minimal amounts of food that will need to be composted prior to us leaving.
As I’ve said before, its two years since we last went to New Zealand, and it will be our very first extended leave away from the Farm, since we bought it.
And I’m freaking out just a wee bit! 😐
Its such a double-dilemma for me personally…
New Zealand is my soul-home.
It is where I belong.
It is where my insides quieten, and my heart feels full.
Had Life panned out differently, we would currently be nestled in our home at Okiato, overlooking Opua Harbour right now…but that didn’t pan out – so compromises had to be made, and dreams re-developed.
Now – we have our beautiful Farm, nestled in the foothills of the Carrington Ranges – and we live in a small 63m2 (678ft2) home that we’re in the process of converting from a machinery shed.
And I love our Home and Farm fiercely!
They too, now feed my soul and fill my heart…
The Farm is my haven.
Its where my soul gets replenished when the rest of ‘life’ drains me.
Its my safe place.
Its where no-one judges me.
It is where I grow food to nourish our bodies while the serenity nourishes my mind and spirit.
Because of this, there is a part of me doesn’t want to go away and leave them, for what feels like soooo long!
I know…. first world problems right?! 😐
So – I’m more than a tad angsty right now.
The list-making helps me feel more in control of that – and I keep reminding myself that I’m going to my soul-home for a while so we can both rest, relax, regroup and reconnect – I’m not leaving our Farm, never to return!
I am going somewhere special to spend time with someone special.
I am going to go and make memories to hold deep in my heart.
I’m going ‘home’ for a little while… And we’ll be back wrapped in the safety of our gorgeous serene Farm before we even know it, wondering how on earth the time passed so damn quick!
What’s not to love, with the changing of the colours of the trees signalling the changing of the seasons.
THIS is what we’re off to spend time soaking up…
Theres noooo business like snowwwww business….!
The most gorgeous scenery in the entire world.
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I feel like I have a million irons in the fire right now – and I’m going to need to be super-diligent of how I schedule my Life and time over the next couple of weeks, otherwise I know that I am going to seriously deplete my already low energy reserves, and end up being a gibbering, anxiety-ridden mess – who cant get anything accomplished! Continue reading “irons in the fire”
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So after talking about how difficult making friends is – and how bloody rubbish I am at it – a strange thing happened the week before last…
I had two ‘coffee dates’!!
One Friday – one the following Monday.
The one on Friday was the second time I have had coffee with this person, who for the purpose of lessening confusion, we’ll call Person A.
At that stage, I was still in the “i don’t know if she’s my kinda people” stage of things, and whilst there was a lot about her that gelled with my ethos etc, I just wasn’t fully convinced that this was going to be a worthwhile investment for either her or me….
The following Mondays coffee date was someone I have known for quite a number of years. (yep, Person B)
We originally met at work, and these days we work pretty much parallel to one another.
She’s someone that I don’t spend any real social time with usually, but that I do trust to keep my confidences anyways…
Sooooo – I was talking with her about my recent ponderings on ‘friendships’ and how difficult I find them to navigate them, and she is very much in the same boat, as we are both hermits-by-choice outside of work.
I went on to tell her about the two coffee dates that I had had with Person A, and was giving her a run-down of what had transpired on each ‘date’, when I noticed her face was looking more and more incredulous.
And as I was talking, and actually listening to myself talk – I was putting these two seperate events with the same person, into one almost-combined story, and it gave me such an incredible dose of clarity that it actually had me quite gob-smacked for the rest of the day!!
You see, when events happen separately, we tend to tell people about them separately.
For example, each time I had had coffee with Person A, I had come home and told my Love all about it.
What we did, what was said, all the sort of waffley stuff you talk to your Spouse about…
But these coffee dates were a couple of weeks apart, so me giving my Love a rundown of the mornings were obviously also a couple of weeks apart.
But when I was talking to Person B about them, I was telling her about the two events all at once.
And boy oh boy – did that make things sound a whole lot different to my ears, to what I had previously thought I was thinking!!
It was an amazing epiphany – and I think there was even the whole ‘parting of the clouds with rays of sunshine shining through‘ to go with it!!!
Anyways – the upshot of it all is this:
I am going to be brave!
I’m going to be ‘investing‘ in Person B – I’m going to be vulnerable and raw and honest – and all I can hope for is that I come out the end of it with the friend that I think is waiting there for me – and not with feelings of regret and wariness or a whole new level of being reserved and guarded instead…
Wish me luck please!
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Its been a rough week, and in all honestly I am still not feeling thoroughly fabulous as I’m still getting over the whole dental debacle and the eventual outcome of same…
Its a bit of a dismal day here today which isn’t helping my mood any, and I think i took on a bit too much yesterday for my first outing after Continue reading “rough week”
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Its gone…
After my post about dental distractions the other day – sadly the delight and belief didn’t pan out this time around – and whilst it initially seemed to be getting better, after a night of almost no sleep other than fitful dozing; and taking faaaaar too many doses of pain medication throughout the night last night, this morning I had an emergency appointment at the dentist in town.
Thankfully they managed to get me in as the first appointment of the day.
And so now, the final tooth on my lower jaw has been removed – and I cant help but be a bit sad…
I’ve fought so damn hard over so many years to keep that final tooth there – particularly when so many dentists before my current one said it would never last – but I managed another 15 years with it, so I’m grateful for that…
The dentist has given me a few days off work, but I’ll see how I feel tomorrow and decide about work then.
I also need to go and see the Dental Tech, and work out about getting fitted for; and having a full denture made.
I think that I can probably ‘make do‘ with my current one for the time being, but because it has spaces in it for teeth that used to be there (its a partial) the food is going to get under it – even if it is glued in.
For now, my Love has just bought me home a reusable straw, so that I can get something into my tummy!
I didn’t get to eat much dinner due to pain last night, and have missed breakfast and lunch today – and am now pretty darn hungry – so soup it will be.
And I’m certainly looking forward to it!!
Not the sort of photo one would usually willing post online, but dentures aren’t a topic that people ever really talk about…and I’m all for having the difficult or uncomfortable talks!
Breakfast and lunch all rolled into one cup of chicken soup, with my nice reusable straw; a gift from my Love.
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Hows this for a groovy gadget?!??
Today a friend posted a picture of something his wife had made at a Simple Living class that she had attended, and I thought it was soooo awesome that I’m wanting to make one too!!
Now I just need to carve out a bit of time to do it in.
Isn’t it fabulous?
Have you made something like it or are planning to?
If you have, I’d love to see it!
all wrapped up!
open and ready to use 🙂
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Todays view isn’t too shabby, I just gotta say!
I might need to be getting some work done today, and being that its Saturday – it’s ‘traditionally’ the day that I try and get a lot of my inside chores done – but also a day that I try and get some writing accomplished, as well as some podcast-listening squished in there as well.
All this is – of course – washed down with liberal amounts of coffee. lol
Anyways – just thought I’d share, because this is most definitely one of my happy places!
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UGH!
Damn dental distractions!!
Its been a rather ‘uncomfortable’ week with me trying to ignore a possibly impending tooth infection, that didn’t go away when it was ignored, and thus resulted in me having to leave work when Continue reading “dental distractions”
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