~living this beautiful messy life~
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A year ago today my heart shattered into a million little pieces…
As is usual for anyone when grieving, I felt like I would never be free of the feeling of total and utter devastation that I was going through.
A year ago, I was heartbroken and a chunk had been ripped from my soul – I felt like a mangled piece of road-kill. Continue reading “a year ago”
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Its only a matter of days now, before we leave on our much-needed vacation, so as you can imagine I am neck deep in planning and organising, which for me means the there are lists aplenty going on!
Lists for whats already packed, lists for what still needs to be packed, list for things that need doing around the house and garden, and lists about whom we still need to see to take care of our Home, Farm and animals while we’re gone.
Lists to remind us of what needs printing out, a list that spells out our semi-intended itinerary, and a meal-planning list so that there is hopefully minimal amounts of food that will need to be composted prior to us leaving.
As I’ve said before, its two years since we last went to New Zealand, and it will be our very first extended leave away from the Farm, since we bought it.
And I’m freaking out just a wee bit! 😐
Its such a double-dilemma for me personally…
New Zealand is my soul-home.
It is where I belong.
It is where my insides quieten, and my heart feels full.
Had Life panned out differently, we would currently be nestled in our home at Okiato, overlooking Opua Harbour right now…but that didn’t pan out – so compromises had to be made, and dreams re-developed.
Now – we have our beautiful Farm, nestled in the foothills of the Carrington Ranges – and we live in a small 63m2 (678ft2) home that we’re in the process of converting from a machinery shed.
And I love our Home and Farm fiercely!
They too, now feed my soul and fill my heart…
The Farm is my haven.
Its where my soul gets replenished when the rest of ‘life’ drains me.
Its my safe place.
Its where no-one judges me.
It is where I grow food to nourish our bodies while the serenity nourishes my mind and spirit.
Because of this, there is a part of me doesn’t want to go away and leave them, for what feels like soooo long!
I know…. first world problems right?! 😐
So – I’m more than a tad angsty right now.
The list-making helps me feel more in control of that – and I keep reminding myself that I’m going to my soul-home for a while so we can both rest, relax, regroup and reconnect – I’m not leaving our Farm, never to return!
I am going somewhere special to spend time with someone special.
I am going to go and make memories to hold deep in my heart.
I’m going ‘home’ for a little while… And we’ll be back wrapped in the safety of our gorgeous serene Farm before we even know it, wondering how on earth the time passed so damn quick!
What’s not to love, with the changing of the colours of the trees signalling the changing of the seasons.
THIS is what we’re off to spend time soaking up…
Theres noooo business like snowwwww business….!
The most gorgeous scenery in the entire world.
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I feel like I have a million irons in the fire right now – and I’m going to need to be super-diligent of how I schedule my Life and time over the next couple of weeks, otherwise I know that I am going to seriously deplete my already low energy reserves, and end up being a gibbering, anxiety-ridden mess – who cant get anything accomplished! Continue reading “irons in the fire”
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The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden.
It doesn’t make you unlovable or undesirable or undeserving of care.
It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy…It makes you human.
Everyone struggles.
Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart.
During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around — and that’s okay.
No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time.
Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult.
And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad.
But those things aren’t all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being.
The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.
You can be difficult and still be cared for.
You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness…
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1. You are not your body and your body is not you but you best look after each other anyway.
You might be together for a while.
2. You’ll never have more potential than you do right now, so find a way to use more of what you’ve got.
3. You think too much.
4. It’s not a time issue.
It’s a how-you-manage-your-time issue.
5. You’ll never be perfect, so aim for better.
6. You’ll never live in the future or the past, so find a way to be happy in the now.
7. Your beliefs, standards and rules will change over time so don’t get too self-righteous about your current ones.
8. Life doesn’t get better, you do.
Life is life – it will happen to you, around you and despite you.
It’s your job to get better in the middle of it all.
9. Your body is not the problem.
It’s the consequence.
10. You’ll never find yourself in things.
So stop looking there.
11. Even though you might not feel it, think it, believe it or hear it, you are good enough.
12. Your happiness works from the inside-out.
Not the other way around.
13. Things only have the meaning you give them.
Every day, you get to create your own reality.
So choose your labels wisely.
14. Nobody can take your power but you can give it away.
Master your fear and you’ll master your life.
15. Real success is not about what you earn, own, achieve or win but who you become along the way.
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Its a year on from my “one step at a time” post – and I’m reflecting a bit about where I am now as opposed to this time last year.
Some things haven’t yet changed.
I am still at my job as a Manager, I am still working three days a week, and I’m still not a full-time HouseSpouse.
YET!
A lot has change though…
We have the house in town on the market – for sale.
We have moved full-time into the FarmHouse.
We have stacks of garden beds that are flourishing with edible produce, that fills our bellies with wholesome homegrown goodness.
We have enough surplus veggies that I am able to do canning so that our pantry shelves are stocked with a variety of foods that we know the ingredients of, and I routinely make our own bread.
We have chickens that supply us with all of our own fresh eggs, and we home-cook 95% of the food we eat.
I have managed to reduce our food budget substantially.
I have also paid off a lot of credit card debt, and will hopefully have paid off the remainder of it in less than a year.
We also no longer have cable tv or home phone line payments to have to find the money for.
I have reduced my clothing spending significantly, although we are going to need to buy some new-to-us work shirts soon, as the ones we currently share are getting a bit faded and threadbare lol.
And – we’ve reduced our power and water consumption!
I may not be as close to where I want to be as I would like – but I am certainly a lot closer than I was a year ago – and for that, I’m pretty darn proud of the headway I’ve made…
Strength doesn’t come from what you can do;
it comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t do.
When you are at your lowest point,
you are open to the greatest positive change.
Happiness is not the absence of problems,
but the strength to deal with them.
The strongest people are the ones who feel pain,
accept it,
learn from it,
and fight through it.
They turn their wounds into wisdom….
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It was a bit of a shit ending to 2017 for me…
I somehow managed to put my back out again – whilst getting up from the toilet.
How does that even happen!?!?
I spent that day being pretty damn teary and miserable – I didn’t feel like I could go through another few months of being bed bound and rehabbing all over again – but then of course, if this isn’t just a short term flare-up, I don’t have any damn choice in the matter, other than to start back at square one!
Theres also the issue of finances…
My Love has just changed jobs, and needs to re-build her contacts, and get some Sales back under her belt so that the income is back to ‘incoming’, and of course the old employer hasn’t been at all forthcoming with information to her customers when they ring up to get a hold of her – which whilst i know is definitely well within their right, and is totally expected – but it still feels kinda shitty (& petty)…
At the same time – even though the income isn’t what it usually is – the out-goings remain as they were prior to the move, and my part of the income is definitely needed right now, just so that we can eat – so a period of enforced time away from my work and the associated pay-cheque – scares the living daylights outta me!!
Its now almost a month since that happened, and I have been back at physio, had a fortnight of half-days again, at work, and am slowly on the improve.
Its a mentally difficult thing having it in the back of your mind every.single.moment of every.single.day – that at any moment, I could be laid up indefinitely…!
I don’t want to live every aspect of my life being super-careful, but i also know I cant just jump right on in and do everything that i either want to do, or have always done.
Its all a matter of learning and respecting my own limitations.
Not an easy thing – and something I know i will slip up with from time to time – but I’m trying to be sensible!!
One day at a time…
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My Physio relocated to one of the southern states back in early October.
Before she left – she arranged for another physio in the same practice to take over my care, as I had seen this other physio a few times (when my usual wasn’t available) and she knew my full history – so there wouldn’t have to be a whole long extended hand-over needed.
I knew I’d been left in good hands, so whilst I was sad that my regular physio – whom i adored – was leaving, I felt confident that I was being left in good hands.
A week later, three days before I was due for my next appointment, I got a call from the receptionist at the clinic – to let me know that there has been a mass ‘walk-out’ (and resignations) of the majority of the physio staff – and that there was only one physio left at the clinic.
They would need to reschedule my next appointment – and with a bloke i had never see before.
I was less than pleased…!
Because there was now only one physio left at the clinic, the rescheduling meant that my next appointment was not for another eight weeks… 😐
Whilst I had managed to whittle down from needing three appointments per week, down to one a week – having to go eight weeks without an appointment scared me rather a lot.
And as luck has it, we live in a small rural community – and therefor don’t have the luxury or access to just going to a different clinic!
I made the appointment.
It was for December 2nd.
November 30th – the clinic called.
My appointment was ‘no longer available’…
I didn’t bother trying to make another.
I’m pissed off, I’m fed-up of being pushed to the back of the line – I’m done.
I don’t yet know quite what I am going to do about finding another physio.
I keep hoping that the girl I was initially scheduled to see when my original physio left, will pop-up somewhere locally, and I can score an appointment with her – but so far its not looking good.
Its been a couple of months now since the walk-out, and she hasn’t turned up anywhere that I have found yet 🙁
I’ll keep looking though, and keep asking around…
I need the help and guidance of a good physio to keep improving my pain and mobility – and to ensure that I dont back-slide too much.
I really dont think I could cope with the unmanaged pain, and being bed-bound again – like I was back in the early months of the year…I just don’t…
Fingers crossed!
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Yesterday I was suffering through day #2 of a veryyyy tedious two day conference.
I was not a particularly willing participant, and the content was at kindergarten level – so to say that I was Continue reading “and YES! again!!”
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