In Sarahs Words

letting go…

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A couple of weeks ago on a Friday, I had two very influential people – who had become friends over the years and who were a big part of me choosing to minimise and simplify my life – decided that they were going to end their respective blog and podcast.

I have been listening to and reading along with these to women for many many years, and somehow it very much felt like the end of some kind of era.
They both announced it on the same day – and if I’m being truthful, I felt quite overwhelmed and sad for the next few days…

By Monday though, I had managed to talk myself around and whilst I still feel that there will be a small unfilled space within me with their departure, I also appreciate the mass of quality work that they put out there into the world for people to learn from, enjoy and interact with.
I have no doubt at all that their works will live on in history.

So here are some thoughts on those reason and season people…

There have been many reason or season people in my life over the years but very few lifetime ones.
I acknowledge and appreciate all those reason or season people.
They were a chapter in my book of life and travelled along side me on my journey.

Thank you for the lessons – even if at times it was hard – thank you for the joy, love, fun, friendship, adventure, learning, kindness and advice  … thank you for all of the different things that you brought in to my life.

It is often hard to let some if these people go.
There may be grief and a sense of loss – or there may be happiness and a sense relief – depending on what they brought to you.

Regardless of the circumstances, be gentle on yourself as these people transition out of your life.   Some may go forever, and some may take on another role.

But whatever happens – let them go with grace…

A Story of Determination

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This is the story of a girl with the most amazing determination…

MaryKatherine was born 6wks premature, in an era when preemies that early often didn’t survive.

Even though at that age she didn’t know anything about her very difficult start to Life, a couple of months before her fourth birthday, she was asked what she wanted for Christmas.
Her answer was, that she wanted to be “a baby doctor“.

A couple of weeks ago, she had a huge exam which she sat a year early, and was the youngest to do so.
It’s a notorious exam – with very few passing it on the first attempt – and it’s only held once a year.
Some of those sitting it were in their third go round…

Today, that determined, amazing, tenacious brave woman got the results.
She passed her final exam.

She is now a Paediatrician.

MaryKatherine is also our youngest daughter.
We’re two very proud Mummas…

Determination

Stepping back a bit.

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Editors Note:
I started writing this a few weeks back, and realized that i just keep adding to it, when i really should be just posting stuff as soon as its written, and then writing a new post as things happen…
I’ll try get more organized! lol

Not exactly in the vein of “a new year, a new you” – but some may think it so….

Twenty something years ago, I went ‘back to my roots’, and moved to a thirty acre block in the middle of the backwoods of south west Qld, that didn’t have sealed roads, running water, electricity, plumbing of any sort, or any neighbours.
When we first moved there – it didn’t even have gas.

All we had was a big unlined one room colorbond shed, with an annex slab added, for a ‘kitchen’, and we did have a nice big dam!
I also had four small children – the youngest being just 6 weeks old, and the second youngest still in cloth nappies.(none of that disposable business when my kids were little. lol)

It was a lot of hard work – pretty much from sunup to sundown, but by the time we sold up and left – a 5 bedroom home, a visitors cabin, a genny shed, a huge 3 bay work shed, 2 large tanks, and a smaller header tank, another huge dam, a massive thriving vege garden that had shade cloth cover – so we could grow all year round – chook yards, a pig pen, a fully fenced house yard with gardens, sheep, over an 1ac of fenced protea plants, and orchard trees, an 8′ x 8′ walk-in larder/pantry, with gas fridge, a wetback wood stove, a pot-belly stove, solar power, with generator backup, and plumbing with a real bathroom, with a bath, shower, and flushing loo!!

Even tho we put in our loo, we still kept the old pit toilet going. It was in a nice spot, which we moved round every few months, and it had a nice outlook.
On a beautiful day, it was nice to still be able to ‘go’ out in amongst the forest, and just sit and contemplate…And each time we moved it, we’d plant something on top, that would grow in leaps and bounds from all the nutrients. lol

We even had a library.
(I’ve been known to be a little book-crazy!!)

Now, well over twenty years on – I’m feeling the need to get back to the simple life.
Back to basics.

Not to the extreme that it was in those very early day – although it wouldn’t bother me in least if it turned out that way – but definitely back to a life that has meaning and feeling.

I’ve started growing my own veggies again – and whilst it’s only baby steps so far – we’re trying with the rare spare time that we do have, to work towards making some differences in our Life.
So far in the garden, we’ve got:
two different types of potatoes,
Lettuce
Tomatoes
Two types of beans
Zucchini
Pumpkin
Coriander
Basil
Spring onions
Carrots and
Chillies.
It’s a start!!

We’ve also been working on ‘reclaiming’ more of our yard, so we can put in more beds.

At the moment, we have what can best be described as a sort-of Balinese rainforest type garden.
Lots of lushness, ferns, palms etc.

We’ve been gradually paring back, so that we will have the privacy that we so desperately crave, but so that our yard can also be a whole lot more productive than its currently being.

Just yesterday we had someone come in, who wanted our old woodshed, and he came and tore it all down, and started carting it off.
Free gardening in exchange for a free woodshed!Gotta be happy with that!
The amount of room that that alone will give us to put gardens in, will be staggering. Wheeehee.

And on the news the other day, there was rumor about Masters (the big hardware store) possibly closing down, and therefore having huge sales.
We wanna be there for those sales I can tell you!!

We’ve also just bought a more economical car, which thankfully, is a ute – so that will make it a whole lot easier than its been for a long time, to get plants, supplies etc, from point A to point B!

On a slightly different topic – I have been unsubscribing like a demon of late.

All these things one subscribes to that just end up wasting your time and cluttering up your inbox (& your mind!) – I’ve been unsubbing from as fast as they come in.

A very liberating way start to each day.
Give it a try! ☺

Happily Home

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I’ve been ‘home‘ for a week now – and it’s been heaven.
We’ve been socially busier than usual, starting with the night when we arrived.

We went for a walk, planning to go out along the dock.
Sort of a ‘coming home’ ritual…

On our way we went past “Sallys”, and Sally, Graham (her hubby), Tracy (Graham & Sallys adult daughter), & Amy (Tracys friend) were all sitting outside the cafe, after door-closing, having a couple of end-of-the-week drinks.

We got huge hugs of welcome home, and offers to sit and share some wine – which, of course – we did 🙂

We sat with them for about an hour, then continued on our circle walk, until we arrived back at our home for the duration.
A really nice way to start our break…

The next night was “Pink Drinks“, and the December one is always a big one being the end of year bash, and Christmas do all rolled into one – and as usual was held at Mike & Johns place at Haruru Falls.

So we got the ferry over to Paihia, then cabbed it up to their place.

About 50 or so ended up turning up throughout the evening, and it was great to see the boys, and meet some new folks too.
Jo & Jackie (sisters) dropped us back to the ferry, and we made it in plenty of time, managing to catch the second last one of the evening :))

A couple of nights later, we went out to dinner with them in Paihia, which was nice.
And they gave us some lovely photos they’d taken, as a pressie – which was a really nice surprise!
I think we will both enjoy spending more time with them next time we’re back 🙂

We’ve also briefly seen Ida, for a quick cuppa before our wedding anniversary lunch.
Lunch was at Sallys – it’s tradition – and we got wonderfully spoilt, with lots of hugs and well wishes.

It’s good to be Home!

A letter to my Son

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I had always imagined that this was always going to be a really special year.

Grandma & Grumpa would be 90, Uncle John 60, me 50, You 30, Rian 25 and Tom 21.

Amazing landmarks for our Family, worthy of awesome celebration.
But that wasn’t to be….

I had 15 years with you, and I’ve now had to have 15 without you.

I’m sure many – maybe including you – would say that that’s been my choice, but it hasn’t been…
We both know that.

Whilst our lives may have gone in very different directions, and you’ve chosen that you don’t wish me to have any part of yours; which I’ve respected – but I can’t begin to explain the depths of sadness within me, not having you in my Life brings – and there isn’t a week, a day, that goes past, when you aren’t in my thoughts – both waking and sleeping.

One day – if you have your own children – I can only hope that you never have to make a decision that you believe is in the best interests for your child, that they disagree with…

I do however, hope that you can understand (but never have to experience), if you become a parent – what desperate agonising torture it has been, to not be allowed to go to your graduation; to have no involvement in – or even get to talk to you – on your 18th or 21st; and every other day, plus Christmas and birthdays etc.
To not ever get a reply to any attempts at communication.

But most of all – to not be able to tell you how very much I Love You, and how very proud I am for you, of the man you have worked so hard to become.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday Sweetheart, and that you get to share it with people who love you.
I’m sure your Lady will spoil you silly – and that’s a good thing :))

I love you Josh and will continue to, well beyond this Life, and the next – please never forget that…

Happy Birthday my Love.

Mumma xxx

Choice or Decision – is it either?

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Almost every single day, something happens that reminds me that we don’t have long on this planet – and that maybe I’ve got a little less than that.

But some days it crashes in on me, and almost suffocates me.

I get so overwhelmed with such a deep fear and sadness, and such a feeling of helplessness that I almost can’t breathe.

And I feel like I’ve got so very little control of my future.

It makes for a decision that I just don’t know how to make….

I’m going HOME…

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31 days, and I’ll be HOME.

It isn’t where we live, but it’s where I feel I belong.

It’s the place I want to make our home.

When I get off the plane, even though we’ve still got a couple of hours drive ahead of us, I feel like I just want to cry, I’m so damn happy to be back.

I relax.

I instantly breathe easier.

Every single fibre of my being exhales.

I don’t understand it – and I don’t care that I don’t…

Angry

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It’s been a while, cos I seem to have got caught up, with Life getting in the way of doing some writing.
Which is stupid of me, as writing always helps me give clarity to my thoughts!

I guess the fact that I haven’t been a very happy grrl, in general, factors into it too – because I annoy myself when it seems that all I ever feel or do, is to bitch and whinge – so I’m not really hangin out to annoy others [lol].

But there’s one thing thats for damn sure – I’ve just been sooooo fucking ANGRY!!!

It basically stems back to my July post about:- walking the walk, if youre going to talk the talk.

I am just so incredibly fed up, pissed off, hurt and a million other conflicting emotions, with people who are just so full of shit!

Maybe my ‘standards’ are too high, in that I expect from others, what I expect of and from myself.

And I sure as hell dont think that I am any kind of martyr or do-gooder, or that I am any better than anyone else – thats for absolute sure.

Infact, I think that I am probably harder on myself than anyone else could ever possibly be, when I deem that I have been less-than, or that I think I have failed, or that I have screwed up in some way, or not ‘performed’ in the way that I could or should have.

Ya know, some days, I want to turn my back on every thing, and just walk off into the mist…

50 WOW!

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I made it!

I made it to 50 years old!

I never actually believed I would.
Not because I ever thought 50 was ‘old‘, but for some reason, since I was probably in my mid-20s, I’d always had somewhat of a premonition that I would die before then.
I know it sounds macabre, but I don’t mean it to!

So – on Saturday 26^th September 2015 – amidst no fanfare – I turned 50.

I sorta feel like – despite the fact that I can’t get my shit together when it comes to my marriage, my work, or my plans for the future – that I have accomplished something.

Even if it is only the fact that I’ve managed to stay alive for 50 years!!
lol :))

Wonder if I’ll grow up now…..?

Made me think…

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A few days ago, I was talking to someone, and they said to me: “smoking and drinking are two of the only things that I can control.”

It tweaked something inside me at the time, but later on, it really got me thinking…

For soooo many years I used to say the same thing to myself.

It was my business if I smoked or drank.
It was my body – and what I put into it was up to me.
It was my choice.
I enjoy smoking, and I like a drink or 3 at the end of the day.
I’ve earnt it dammit.
Butt the hell out with all your “well meaning” opinions!!

But then I realised something.
It wasn’t really my choice.

I was heartily addicted to not just the nicotine, but to the routine of smoking.

And it was the same with booze.
I didn’t ever drink before evening, and I didn’t drink after dinner, therefore I obviously didn’t have a booze problem.

And it sure as hell never effected my work life!!

But ya know what?

I did have a problem.

I was drinking every single day.
I was drinking at least a half bottle before dinner, but could happily do a bottle or more a night if I had a drinking buddy, or an ‘excuse’.

And gawd knows I still can!

But there’s a difference now…

Now, I often go weeks and weeks at a time, without drinking.
Without even thinking about it.

I mostly only drink on real occasions now.
When we’re out to dinner.
When we’re away on holiday, and go somewhere special.

The difference is – that I really AM in control of my drinking now.

I used to tell myself I was in control of my smoking and drinking – but I really was bullshitting myself.

It takes no control whats-so-ever to keep drinking, and keep smoking – what takes real control – is to not do those things….

Think about it!

.
.
(ps: in one of those moments of irony – just as I finished typing this, I looked up at the tv, which is on in the background, despite the fact that I’m listening to the radio (lol) – and The Morning Show on 7 is doing an article titled “Escapism in a Bottle”, about the prevalence of older women abusing alcohol!)