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Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself.
Trying to become smaller.
Quieter.
Less sensitive.
Less opinionated.
Less needy. Continue reading “i choose me”
Tag: love
on the mend
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I’ve been a bit remiss with writing, I know, but I’ve needed some ‘me’ time, and some healing time…
The rehoming of Digby hit me – HARD – and still does some days, but its thankfully getting less intense with each day – and I can now at least Continue reading “on the mend”
A letter to my Son
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I had always imagined that this was always going to be a really special year.
Grandma & Grumpa would be 90, Uncle John 60, me 50, You 30, Rian 25 and Tom 21.
Amazing landmarks for our Family, worthy of awesome celebration.
But that wasn’t to be….
I had 15 years with you, and I’ve now had to have 15 without you.
I’m sure many – maybe including you – would say that that’s been my choice, but it hasn’t been…
We both know that.
Whilst our lives may have gone in very different directions, and you’ve chosen that you don’t wish me to have any part of yours; which I’ve respected – but I can’t begin to explain the depths of sadness within me, not having you in my Life brings – and there isn’t a week, a day, that goes past, when you aren’t in my thoughts – both waking and sleeping.
One day – if you have your own children – I can only hope that you never have to make a decision that you believe is in the best interests for your child, that they disagree with…
I do however, hope that you can understand (but never have to experience), if you become a parent – what desperate agonising torture it has been, to not be allowed to go to your graduation; to have no involvement in – or even get to talk to you – on your 18th or 21st; and every other day, plus Christmas and birthdays etc.
To not ever get a reply to any attempts at communication.
But most of all – to not be able to tell you how very much I Love You, and how very proud I am for you, of the man you have worked so hard to become.
I hope you have a wonderful birthday Sweetheart, and that you get to share it with people who love you.
I’m sure your Lady will spoil you silly – and that’s a good thing :))
I love you Josh and will continue to, well beyond this Life, and the next – please never forget that…
Happy Birthday my Love.
Mumma xxx
I’m going HOME…
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31 days, and I’ll be HOME.
It isn’t where we live, but it’s where I feel I belong.
It’s the place I want to make our home.
When I get off the plane, even though we’ve still got a couple of hours drive ahead of us, I feel like I just want to cry, I’m so damn happy to be back.
I relax.
I instantly breathe easier.
Every single fibre of my being exhales.
I don’t understand it – and I don’t care that I don’t…
Tough times…
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It’s been a bit of a long difficult week…
It’s 11 days ciggie free, which has been nice.
And the breathing has been soooo much better!!
Actually, I don’t recall any time in the last week or so, that I’ve really been all that breathless – and that includes getting ready for work.
I haven’t even needed that 10 minute ‘recovery’ time, before leaving the house!!
Pretty amazing – and I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
That hasn’t been why it’s been a difficult week though…
It’s been a difficult time, because we haven’t been paying enough attention to our Marriage this year.
It has just been allowed to slip off the list of priorities, I guess…
Back in February, I actually went away by myself for 36hrs (overnight), to give myself a little breathing and thinking space.
That might not be long for the average person, but for this lil house-hermit, it’s quite a feat of bravery!
lol
I felt better for having done it – as I really was at a breaking point emotionally.
The night I got home, we both cried a lot, and talked a lot – and it felt good to hear, and say some stuff – but in the weeks and months that followed, things just continued on as they always have.
The inroads we made that night, faded away – the walls went back up, and as for me – I feel like I’ve just become overwhelmed and have given up, and shut-down.
…not a good place to be in.
So – this morning we met up at the park over a coffee.
We both did some talking, both did some listening, both did some crying…
I don’t know if we are going to manage to make any changes, but I have to try and have faith that we can, and will.
My Wife, this Marriage – they are the most important things in my Life to me… 💕
Happy Birthday Kayd 💜
Our only grandson – via our eldest daughter – is three today!
It doesn’t feel like three years ago, that my Wife and I sat in the waiting room at the Hospital, sitting on the edge of our seat, waiting, waiting, waiting…
We were both exhausted with nervous tension, willing Kayd to get his stubborn little butt out of his mummys tummy – and to give her some rest – before the real-life hard work really began in earnest!
We both cried huge tears of relief, when he finally made his appearance, and we knew that he and our ‘little girl’ were both safe and healthy.
He’s a gorgeous boy, (nope, I’m not at all biased!!) and I love him to pieces!
And our Daughter is doing a pretty fine job too!! 😉 <3