slf blog

I’m going HOME…


31 days, and I’ll be HOME.

It isn’t where we live, but it’s where I feel I belong.

It’s the place I want to make our home.

When I get off the plane, even though we’ve still got a couple of hours drive ahead of us, I feel like I just want to cry, I’m so damn happy to be back.

I relax.

I instantly breathe easier.

Every single fibre of my being exhales.

I don’t understand it – and I don’t care that I don’t…



It’s been a while, cos I seem to have got caught up, with Life getting in the way of doing some writing.
Which is stupid of me, as writing always helps me give clarity to my thoughts!

I guess the fact that I haven’t been a very happy grrl, in general, factors into it too – because I annoy myself when it seems that all I ever feel or do, is to bitch and whinge – so I’m not really hangin out to annoy others [lol].

But there’s one thing thats for damn sure – I’ve just been sooooo fucking ANGRY!!!

It basically stems back to my July post about:- walking the walk, if youre going to talk the talk.

I am just so incredibly fed up, pissed off, hurt and a million other conflicting emotions, with people who are just so full of shit!

Maybe my ‘standards’ are too high, in that I expect from others, what I expect of and from myself.

And I sure as hell dont think that I am any kind of martyr or do-gooder, or that I am any better than anyone else – thats for absolute sure.

Infact, I think that I am probably harder on myself than anyone else could ever possibly be, when I deem that I have been less-than, or that I think I have failed, or that I have screwed up in some way, or not ‘performed’ in the way that I could or should have.

Ya know, some days, I want to turn my back on every thing, and just walk off into the mist…

50 WOW!


I made it!

I made it to 50 years old!

I never actually believed I would.
Not because I ever thought 50 was ‘old‘, but for some reason, since I was probably in my mid-20s, I’d always had somewhat of a premonition that I would die before then.
I know it sounds macabre, but I don’t mean it to!

So – on Saturday 26th September 2015 – amidst no fanfare – I turned 50.

I sorta feel like – despite the fact that I can’t get my shit together when it comes to my marriage, my work, or my plans for the future – that I have accomplished something.

Even if it is only the fact that I’ve managed to stay alive for 50 years!!
lol :))

Wonder if I’ll grow up now…..?

Made me think…


A few days ago, I was talking to someone, and they said to me: “smoking and drinking are two of the only things that I can control.

It tweaked something inside me at the time, but later on, it really got me thinking…

For soooo many years I used to say the same thing to myself.

It was my business if I smoked or drank.
It was my body – and what I put into it was up to me.
It was my choice.
I enjoy smoking, and I like a drink or 3 at the end of the day.
I’ve earnt it dammit.
Butt the hell out with all your “well meaning” opinions!!

But then I realised something.
It wasn’t really my choice.

I was heartily addicted to not just the nicotine, but to the routine of smoking.

And it was the same with booze.
I didn’t ever drink before evening, and I didn’t drink after dinner, therefore I obviously didn’t have a booze problem.

And it sure as hell never effected my work life!!

But ya know what?

I did have a problem.

I was drinking every single day.
I was drinking at least a half bottle before dinner, but could happily do a bottle or more a night if I had a drinking buddy, or an ‘excuse’.

And gawd knows I still can!

But there’s a difference now…

Now, I often go weeks and weeks at a time, without drinking.
Without even thinking about it.

I mostly only drink on real occasions now.
When we’re out to dinner.
When we’re away on holiday, and go somewhere special.

The difference is – that I really AM in control of my drinking now.

I used to tell myself I was in control of my smoking and drinking – but I really was bullshitting myself.

It takes no control whats-so-ever to keep drinking, and keep smoking – what takes real control – is to not do those things….

Think about it!

(ps: in one of those moments of irony – just as I finished typing this, I looked up at the tv, which is on in the background, despite the fact that I’m listening to the radio (lol) – and The Morning Show on 7 is doing an article titled “Escapism in a Bottle”, about the prevalence of older women abusing alcohol!)

Tough times…


It’s been a bit of a long difficult week…

It’s 11 days ciggie free, which has been nice.
And the breathing has been soooo much better!!
Actually, I don’t recall any time in the last week or so, that I’ve really been all that breathless – and that includes getting ready for work.

I haven’t even needed that 10 minute ‘recovery’ time, before leaving the house!!
Pretty amazing – and I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

That hasn’t been why it’s been a difficult week though…

It’s been a difficult time, because we haven’t been paying enough attention to our Marriage this year.
It has just been allowed to slip off the list of priorities, I guess…

Back in February, I actually went away by myself for 36hrs (overnight), to give myself a little breathing and thinking space.

That might not be long for the average person, but for this lil house-hermit, it’s quite a feat of bravery!

I felt better for having done it – as I really was at a breaking point emotionally.

The night I got home, we both cried a lot, and talked a lot – and it felt good to hear, and say some stuff – but in the weeks and months that followed, things just continued on as they always have.

The inroads we made that night, faded away – the walls went back up, and as for me – I feel like I’ve just become overwhelmed and have given up, and shut-down.
not a good place to be in.

So – this morning we met up at the park over a coffee.

We both did some talking, both did some listening, both did some crying…

I don’t know if we are going to manage to make any changes, but I have to try and have faith that we can, and will.

My Wife, this Marriage – they are the most important things in my Life to me… 💕

Gardening & Pondering


I’ve been out in the sunshine, digging up weeds from the garden-bed edges for the last two hours – and just thinking about “stuff”.

Lots of different stuff – but stuff none the less 🙂

Firstly – on how the ‘flying solo’ went.

I enjoyed it.
Actually I enjoyed it a LOT!

The only things I didn’t do, that were on my list, was to have a bath and catalogue some books!
So I think I kept on track pretty darn well.

The ciggies have been out of my system for a week now – and there has only been about twice that I’ve realllly thought much about it.
One was on Saturday night when I was full of vodka, but that was to be expected, and the urge was really easy to get rid of – I went to bed – lol.

The other was my first day off after working, when I didn’t have a plan – as I usually do for days off – for what I was going to do that day; as I’d initially been going to go to work, and then didn’t.
Problem was solved by getting busy, pronto! 🙂

Although it isn’t a conscious thing, I’ve learnt that “wasting time” is a big impetus for me, with smoking.

I’m guessing it’s one of those ‘womanly’ things, whereby we feel guilty for doing nothing, so when we take a five minute break we get the guilts, even if we don’t actually realise it.

However, if you’re a smoker, you can ‘legitimately’ take that break, because you’re not doing nothing – your doing something, you’re smoking!!

Other people may have a whollllle different view of this – gawd only knows – but I’m pretty sure it’s true of me, and I’m also pretty sure that there are others who ‘use’ smoking for the very same reason – even if they have no earthly clue of it…. 😏 ….
(or don’t want to admit it!)

When I was out gardening, I was also thinking about what a difference a fortnight makes…

Two weeks ago, I was waaaay sicker than I am today.

I was having a lot of difficulty with normal everyday tasks, and I was wondering how much longer I could continue working nine hour days at my job – even though it is only a couple of days a week.

I was tossing around the idea of asking if I could do less hours, but more days – so that I was still doing the same number of hours per fortnight – or of giving away the job completely, and looking for something that was more suitable to my ‘abilities’.

Either way – I was scared of the unknown that lay around the corner, as far as my employment options went – and it was weighing on me very, very heavily.

But today, a fortnight later, I feel bright, alert, healthy, and able.
I feel like I can keep going in my job as it is now, and maybe even seriously consider doing some extra hours.

I don’t know how long these feelings will last – but I’m hoping it a good amount of time!

One of the other drawbacks – for me – about work though, is that I’m a hermit by nature.
I like to be at home, I like doing housework, I like to work in the garden.
These things give me a far greater sense of purpose, and feelings of accomplishment, and happiness, than any job ever will.

If I didn’t feel ‘obligated‘, and it wasn’t a necessity to contribute to paying the bills, and buying the groceries; I would happily quit my job in a heartbeat…

Another of my trains of thought whilst out there digging, was about “lessons that are sent to teach us“.

I am an avid believer that we keep being sent ‘lessons’, to learn something from, and those lessons keep coming to us, until we work out what it is we are supposed to learn, and we take it on board…

Whether others believe that or not is irrelevant.
It’s a bit like god – the belief or nonbelief doesn’t make it any more or less real.
Each of our lessons is a personal thing – for us to learn & interpret for ourselves.
Others will have different lessons of their own, from the same events.
What I am meant to learn, will be different from what someone else is meant to learn.

I was reminded of this, earlier in the week.

An acquaintance – whom I don’t particularly like – had texted me, and asked me to meet up with them.
I tend to avoid this person as much as possible, so that I don’t have to interact with them, but it can be a little tricky sometimes, as we work at the same place.

I semi-agreed (against my better judgement), but didn’t settle on a day, time or place.
Over the next couple of days, I received a lot more texts, which I ‘obviously’ didn’t respond to in a timely enough manner, or with the correct wording sequences. [insert sarcasm]
As a result, the texts got to that point of ‘batshit crazy’, which is what initially warned me off said acquaintance.

The universe had kindly sent me a very timely reminder of just why I don’t interact with this person.
And it gave me a very much appreciated kick in the pants, at the very right moment.

I realise we are all a special kind of crazy, or some sort, to someone.
I know that I am most definitely someone else’s idea of a special sorta crazy, and I have no problem with that.

But – for me – I just don’t want or need to add any more of the kind of batshit crazy that that person tends to permeate my Life with…

Lesson noted – I won’t be agreeing to a meeting. Thank you ☺

There was something else that I’d been thinking about out there in the sunshine – but I’ve waffled on for so long, I’ve forgotten what it was now!!

Day 4.


Its day 4, and today has been very productive!

I’ve done some gurneying out the back, I’ve cleaned off all the shit from the deck, and put it away, got the outdoor table out of the back shed, cleaned it up and set it up, even got out the old fountain, cleaned it off, set it up, and got it running again too!

I’ve repotted some plants, and watered all the others, cooked a stroganoff, cleaned out the side of the fridge alcove, painted a ‘relax’ sign, and done the laundry.

And – as I promised myself, I’ve watched a bit more junk TV.

I’ve done pretty ok I think, with my ‘home-alone’ time; and ya know what? – I’ve enjoyed it – a LOT

Yaay me! ☺

Day 3.


So it’s the end of day 3 of flying solo.

We know how day one went, but yesterday was better.

I’ve managed to do a few things on my list – so I’m pretty happy with that!
– no ciggie has passed my lips since day 1 ✔
– tattoo touch-up done ✔
– vacuumed out the car ✔
– have made stuffed mushrooms and tortellini, and pepper risotto for dinner, the last two nights. ✔
– watched 4 episodes back-to-back of “Winners & Losers” ✔
– all the crap is off the patio and back in the workshop where it belongs ✔
– I’ve done some serious cleaning inside ✔
– I’ve watered the plants on the back deck. ✔
– tonight, with no-one here but me, I’ve had my first voddies in months, and am sooooo feelin’ the buzz! ✔
– I have loud music on, I’m dancing by myself, and it’s a nice rockin vibe. ✔
– I’ve had some nice 1/1 talks with my Patrick, which always grounds me ✔

– AND, I’ll be in bed early, cos I’m trashed!!

G’nite day 3….

It begins..!


Day one of flying solo:

Got up at 3am to drive an hour & a half down the range to drop the Mrs off to the airport.

Saw the plane off, then drove back up the hill, and went …….. to work!!

Meetings that were supposed to be on yesterday ended up being rescheduled for today, so my day off didn’t happen.

I’m now in the midst of cooking up a spaghetti bolognese for dinner, having had a shower when I got home from work – and am freezing – which is always a definite sign with me, that exhaustion is kicking in 😐

I don’t think it I’ll be staying up late tonight…

*note to self: must remember to feed the animals.
(not usually my ‘job’ lol)

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