.
Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself.
Trying to become smaller.
Quieter.
Less sensitive.
Less opinionated.
Less needy. Continue reading “i choose me”
Tag: happy
30 simple life hints
.
Today I thought I’d post a couple of easy changes you can make, to simplify your life.
So – without further ado, here are 30 Simple Life Farmer simple life hints! Continue reading “30 simple life hints”
a shitty mood
I usually really like Mondays.
They generally start – once my Love has gone to work – with some quiet contemplation.
No tv, no radio, no music – just the quiet of the morning, with the different birds all chatting away at full volume; like a mass of old folk outside a newsagent, talking about their plans for the week…
Its a morning when I wander around the garden – just me and my dog, looking at what needs doing, what needs attention, picking a few things as I go, and planning what I will water before the day heats up, and maybe a few rounds of ‘fetch’ to keep the dog happy, engaged and to fortify some of his training.
Its also when I sit and have a quiet breakfast, and think about how incredibly lucky I am to be in this place, at this time – and how grateful I am to have what I have surrounding me.
But some mondays – I just get the shits!!
Some mondays I get annoyed that I am going to spend the next 4-6 hours after my Love leaves for work, washing dishes, cleaning up the yard, sweeping, vacuuming, and mopping the floors, making the bed, wiping down the benches, watering the garden, packing up the garbage, emptying the fridge into the cooler bags so I can take it into town, packing non-refrigerated stuff into carry bags and lugging it all out to the car; collecting the laundry and lugging it to the car, packing up the computers and lugging them to the car too.
Locking up the sheds, closing all the blind and windows, turning off all the powerpoints, then pulling down and locking the roller-doors; clicking the collar on the dog, and putting him in the car and his seatbelt on, all before the final locking of the door, and getting in to the car to drive to our house in town, where we’ll spend the next four days.
When I get to town, its time to unpack all the stuff I’ve only just put in the car, put all the fridge and food stuff away, then start on the weekends laundry after lugging it too, up from the car.
Once thats on, its time to prep the house for us ‘moving back in’ for the rest of the week.
The floors all need vacuuming and mopping, flat surfaces all need wiping down, as do the vanities – even though I’ve done them all on the friday before, prior to heading off to head to the Farm!
I plan the menu for the week, and in between all that I reload the washer & dryer numerous times (we don’t have a clothes line in town 😕), and I take a trip to the grocery store to do the shopping for the next few days.
Today was one of those days when I had the shits…
Walking around crankily doing what needed to get done, being pissed off at having to close up and leave the Farmhouse for the next few days- when I sooo want to be here; mumbling to myself about what a stupid waste of time it was doing this same dance – every.single.week – just to go to a house that I didn’t want to have to deal with any more, and to a job I no longer want be at.
I was bloody miserable..! 😖
Even the dog knew something was up with me, so he was tailing my every move, and was constantly under my feet, or in my way – which of course was just making me crankier… 😒
It was time to just STOP!!
Time for an attitude adjustment – this wasn’t a good mind frame to be in, and the chores needed to be done whether I was happy or cranky.
It was going to be a lot more pleasant doing them – if I wasn’t in such a stinky mood.
So, I made myself a coffee, sat at the table, took off my glasses, and just stopped.
I consciously listened to the birds, and thought about how wonderful it was going to be, when I didn’t have to pack up and leave every week; when that time comes that I can spend the day all day in the garden if I want to, or tinkering about inside writing or painting a wall, or sewing something.
I thought about how lucky I am to have two roofs under which I can rest my head at the end of the day; when many are curled up on the ground with nowhere to call home.
I thought about the job I have, that brings in some income – no matter how ‘small’ it is…
Many have been to a hundred or more interviews and still have no job, and no idea where they’ll find the money for their next meal.
I thought about how grateful I am, that my Love supports me, and is willing to keep supporting me – not just emotionally – but financially too; in my soul-deep need to return to the ‘job’ I love most – that of being a HouseSpouse.
And then it came…
I could almost physically feel my mind and body shift.
Gratitude washed over me, like a slow, warm wave – leaving behind calm in its wake…
Today I chose to be happy.
I don’t manage to shift my attitude every time it stinks.
Sometimes I like to wallow in my misery, sometimes it almost seems that I like to have a ‘woe is me’ pity-party, sometimes I give in to the feelings of loneliness or rejection or whatever…
But then there are times like today – when I can look at myself objectively – and I can give myself the kick in the pants or the quiet space that I need, to get to where I need to be.
And on those days that I succeed? – I’ve got to admit – I’m pretty damn proud of me, for turning it around…
Until next time – look after you!
[jetpack_subscription_form]
Happily Home
.
I’ve been ‘home‘ for a week now – and it’s been heaven.
We’ve been socially busier than usual, starting with the night when we arrived.
We went for a walk, planning to go out along the dock.
Sort of a ‘coming home’ ritual…
On our way we went past “Sallys”, and Sally, Graham (her hubby), Tracy (Graham & Sallys adult daughter), & Amy (Tracys friend) were all sitting outside the cafe, after door-closing, having a couple of end-of-the-week drinks.
We got huge hugs of welcome home, and offers to sit and share some wine – which, of course – we did 🙂
We sat with them for about an hour, then continued on our circle walk, until we arrived back at our home for the duration.
A really nice way to start our break…
The next night was “Pink Drinks“, and the December one is always a big one being the end of year bash, and Christmas do all rolled into one – and as usual was held at Mike & Johns place at Haruru Falls.
So we got the ferry over to Paihia, then cabbed it up to their place.
About 50 or so ended up turning up throughout the evening, and it was great to see the boys, and meet some new folks too.
Jo & Jackie (sisters) dropped us back to the ferry, and we made it in plenty of time, managing to catch the second last one of the evening :))
A couple of nights later, we went out to dinner with them in Paihia, which was nice.
And they gave us some lovely photos they’d taken, as a pressie – which was a really nice surprise!
I think we will both enjoy spending more time with them next time we’re back 🙂
We’ve also briefly seen Ida, for a quick cuppa before our wedding anniversary lunch.
Lunch was at Sallys – it’s tradition – and we got wonderfully spoilt, with lots of hugs and well wishes.
It’s good to be Home!
What to do?!?!
.
Soooo – next weekend, I get to have a few days to myself — sooo, what to de eh!!??!!
Our grandson turns 3 next week, and there is going to be a party held in his honour.
But…I’m not going.
We’ve decided that my Wife will go on her own, and I’ll hold down the fort here.
Plus, it’s just not my kind of scene…
a) it’s out of town
b) we have to fly and drive to get there
c) I don’t happen to believe in having a big ‘piss-up‘ party, for a three year old.
But we do need to make an appearance of some sort – so the Mrs gets to do the honours this time round.
So this week I get to plan out how I’d like to spend the time flying solo, and I’ve decided I’m going to make it some good ole fashioned ME time!!!
(we’ll see how it all pans out I guess lol)
What I’d like to do:
– get rid of the ciggies in my system
– get 2 of my tattoos touched up
– have a bath
– do some gardening
– catalogue some books
– clean out the cars
– watch some junk television
– maybe even hang some art
Sometime next week, I’ll try remember to check in and we’ll see just what I did end up doing…
Probably nothing on the list!! 😐
Where will we go today?
Its the little things in life that make me happy…
Spring is only two days away, and the bitter winds and drizzle have – for the most part – died off, and each day it seems, is becoming a little warmer.
Today, my Wife and I went for a bbq picnic brunch, out at the Lake.
Its a lovely spot, and on nice sunshiny days like today, people are out and about – walking their dogs, playing with their kids, zooming about in their power boats, or just paddling about in the shallows.
Life is happening all around, and for me, I like being able to sit back and just enjoy watching it…
We had a bbq breakfast of bacon, eggs, beans, and toast, washed down with a cup of tea, and a shared glass of orange juice.
It was yummy, and the surrounds invoked a peaceful feel.
Definitely a nice way to start the day – and one of the things that today, made me happy.
On the way home, we popped in to the grocery store, to get some supplies for dinner, and the start of the week.
At the moment one of our local stores is giving away stickers when you spend a certain amount at checkout.
Its a money-raising scheme for the local schools, and you pop your ribbon of stickers into the box of whichever school you want to support. The school then gets to spend $x per sticker collected, on educational items for their school.
The local kids all love getting the stickers, and I think it also probably makes them feel like they are making a real contribution to their school community. Their little faces are so proud when they pop those stickers into their box of choice!!
Now the youngest of our kids is in his 20s – so needless to say we aren’t collecting them for him!
Nor are we collecting for the grandbabies, as they don’t go to school yet, and also – they don’t live locally.
So – each time I go shopping, I end up with a great ribbon of stickers, and I have taken to keeping my eye out, when I am at the checkout, for a likely child on which to bestow my stickers.
I have two different criteria that I use when “making my selection“, and they are at opposite ends of the spectrum.
One is the child who has been beautifully behaved whilst shopping with their adult.
Its nice to be able to hand over the ribbon of stickers, and thank them for how fabulously they behaved during shopping, and its even nicer to see the look of excitement on their face at getting the stickers given to them.
Its also a big pleasure to see the happiness (and often well-deserved pride) of the attending adult, that the child has been noticed and praised.
The other is the child who is starting to have a bit of a spin-out.
They’ve obviously been at school, or day care or such, and now they’ve been dragged into the shops, and they’ve just had quite enough – thank you very much – and are about to ramp it up to melt-down level, at any tick of the clock.
Usually, you can see that their attending adult knows that shit is about to hit the fan, too – and its a bit of a toss-up on which of them is going to blow their gasket first…
Why do I pick this child?
Because when I wander over, and stand in front of them (suspicious frown on attending adult), I rip the sticker ribbon in half, and give half of the ribbon to the child – telling them that they will get the other half if they can keep being really nicely behaved – just like they are now, until they get the groceries home, and help take them inside.
Then I give the other half of the ribbon to the attending adult, whilst saying to child: “See, heres the rest, just like I said, and you get them ALL, if you keep being really nicely behaved, just like you are now, until you get home, and help take the groceries inside“.
I’m sure it doesn’t always work how I’m hoping it will – but I’m pretty sure a lot of times it does!
And as I wander off, I occasionally hear a more relaxed attending adult, who is often praising the child for the good behaviour that they are sure is about to come, and a child who has settled a bit – all just because someone interrupted the vibe that was starting to build, in a not so good way…
The other day, I saw the mother of a child whom I had given stickers to.
It was out in the car park, and the child had been on its way to being a brat when I had handed over the half sticker ribbon to him, and half to his Mumma.
When I caught sight of her, she had just finished buckling him up in his booster seat, in the back of the car, and had given him a kiss.
As she stood back up, and shut the door, and went to get into the drivers seat, she looked up, saw me, and with a weary half-smile, she mouthed “thank you” to me, across the roofs of the few cars between us.
It made me happy….
A bit more of me.
.
I have chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) – and it’s a terminal illness.
COPD is a serious, progressive and disabling condition that limits airflow in the lungs.
Those with copd are prone to severe episodes of shortness of breath, with fits of coughing; and excessive mucous production.
In 2012, copd was the 5th leading cause of death in Australia. The 4th in the U.S.
COPD causes changes in your lungs and airways.
– air sacs and airways lose their ability to stretch
– the walls of the air sacs are destroyed
– the walls of the airways become thickened and inflamed
– airways become clogged with mucus
These changes involves destruction of the lung tissue, specifically the alveoli, which reduces the flow of air in and out of the lungs which deprives the body of much-needed oxygen.
I have stage 2.
There are 4 ‘stages’.
There is no cure for copd – and while treatment and lifestyle changes can slow the progression of the disease so that you can feel better and stay more active – the fact is that over time, everyday tasks become more and more difficult.
There are good days, and not so good days.
It’s not something I try to dwell on – but it is an unignorable part of my life, and makes its presence known to me, each and every day…
It’s also effected not just by what I’m doing physically, but by temperature, humidity, stress/anxiety levels, air quality etc.
Sometimes it just plain makes me scared and/or angry.
Other times, I manage to put on my big-girl panties and just get on with this business of Living!!
It’s becoming more difficult, as time marches on, to ‘hide’ it.
Subtle adjustments have had to be made to the way I go about my daily Life, so that it has minimal impact.
For example – I need to get up to get ready for work earlier.
For some weird reason, my early morning pre-work routine can often knock the stuffing out of me.
By the time I’m finally ready to head out the door, I’m often gasping like a goldfish-out-of-water, and it can take up to ten minutes to settle the breathing back down to a tolerable level.
If I don’t take that time, it always bites me in the ass – because my job is less than 5mins drive away, and once I get to work, I have a fairly lengthy walk to get to my office.
If I haven’t spent those ten minutes at home getting my breath back before I left for work, then by the time I make it through the door of my office and it slams shut behind me, I am hanging over the desk, gasping so badly, turning purple and am so ridiculously out of breath, that I’m near the pass-out point from lack of oxygen.
Not really a great way to start a day, I can assure you…
And on top of that – it’s fucking embarrassing!!
I also get exhausted very easily, which is incredibly annoying!
My Wife is great with taking my ‘difficulties’ into consideration.
She checks beforehand, for example, that there are elevators available when there are a lot of stairs, or finds different way around if there are steep walks, or will initiate rest-breaks just by stopping and looking at the scenery, is she notices I’m flagging a bit more than usual.
She carries our groceries upstairs when we get home if she’s there, and she tries to get me to sleep more when exhaustion sets in.
Little things like that…but for me, they’re the big things…
Not a lot of people know I have copd, and that’s been my decision.
I’ve learnt from some that do know, that you’re often treated a little bit different when people know you’re terminal.
And not different in a good way – like my Love does.
They look at you differently.
They feel – it seems – like they somehow have been given an option to give their opinion on your treatment or lifestyle choices.
They ask how you are differently – like you’re maybe about to take your very last gasp right there in front of them, and drop down dead at their feet.
We’re all dying folks!
It’s the one thing in Life that is guaranteed.
And we don’t know when or how it’s going to happen, for the most part.
A bus might be round the very next corner you turn, and it may well be destined for you – or me – we just don’t know…
Am I scared of dying?
Yes and no…
The process itself doesn’t scare me.
And I know that all my children and grandchildren have fabulous lives waiting ahead of them – they’ll all be ok, and time will heal…
2 things do scare me though…
Having to go through the physical and emotional experience of suffocation.
I’d much rather get filled up with morphine if that was where the next step was headed, and just peacefully drift off, as my system shuts down from OD-ing.
The other thing is – being without my Love.
I feel like 100 years still wouldn’t be sufficient time with her, and I’m not ready to cut our time short – but like I said before – none of us know who’s gonna go first, or when, so just I have to keep trying to remind myself of that.
It does give you the “Life is Short” perspective though, and I find myself getting really pissed off with ‘time wasting’…
Not the kind of time-wasting where you spend Sunday on the couch watching movies, drinking hot tea, and eating chips and chocolate – but the kind where you sweep things under the carpet to deal with ‘later’, or you put things off that you really want to do – until ‘later’.
I’m a weird girl, I’m told…
I dont yearn for Disneyland, or a gondola ride through Venice, or hot buttery croissants near the Champs Élysées in Paris, or a six star hotel, or a pamper day at a Spa.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure all those things would be very nice, and I’d ‘adapt’ if I needed to (!!) – but they aren’t the things I yearn for…
I want to spend half an hour just kissing.
I want to make love slowly and luxuriously and often – just disappearing into oneness with my beautiful Wife.
I want to grow my own veges, on a block of dirt that we’ve started from scratch.
I want to live in one room, while building a 3 room home, and showering from a bucket.
I want to have to empty a stinky portaloo – cos my Love would spew her heart out, if she had to do it!
I want to feel the sun, wind and rain on my back, as I dig in the garden, getting dirt wedged under my nails!
I want to lie wrapped in my Loves arms, with my head nestled into her chest, just listening to her heartbeat, as we both doze; with a warm fat cat asleep near our feet.
I want to walk along the beach at dusk, holding her hand.
But what I most want, is to Live!
Not just exist…