smoking Archives | Simple Life Farmer

i’m DONE!

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Ready to cheer me on?

I told you a week or two ago in the smoking gun post, that I was going to do it – and now here I am!!

As of last night – I am a non-smoker.
A former smoker, an ex-smoker – call it what you will.

But as of when I went to bed last night – I am deciding to not stick another cigarette in my mouth.

I’ve said this before – and I’ve caved in.
Not because I’ve particularly wanted one, and certainly not because I’ve needed one, but because I have stupidly succumbed to ‘peer pressure’ (real or imagined!) and have taken it back up again – mostly because my Love has continued smoking.

This time can not be the same as previous times.

This time it won’t be.

Because this time I’m not “giving up” anything.

The fact is that I won’t be ‘giving up’ – I’ll be gaining!

Gaining back my life, gaining back finances, gaining back some health, gaining back the ability to breathe more freely, gaining back time!

Most people don’t realise how much time that smoking sucks out of the day.
And I fully believe that thats why a lot of people restart – simply because they don’t know what to do with all the time they suddenly find on their hands – and they’ve done nothing in the lead-up to stopping smoking, to ensure that they have strategies in place to combat the feeling of ‘what do i do with myself now‘….!

Personally, I’ve spent the last two weeks working out how I will combat those moments when I’d usually go for a ciggie – because all it is, is habit!

Its a habit to have one after a meal, its a habit to have one with my coffee, its a habit to have one with a glass of wine, its a habit to have one when on the phone, its a habit to have one before bed …… every.single.stupid.cigarette is a habit.

An idiotic lethally toxic habit that is poisoning our bodies, and sending us ever more quickly closer to the grave…

But ya know what?

Not any more!

I’m done!

Feel free to cheer for me – cos I sure am 😀 😀 😀

I’m DONE with the Monster on my back!

The breakfast of a champion non-smoker

the smoking gun

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I am a smoker.
I won’t be in a weeks time – but today – I am.

I had my first ‘serious’ cigarette somewhere around the age of 12, and we’ve been close companions for most of the last 40+ years.

I’ve had a few times when I have quit, particularly over the last couple of years, but have taken it up again; not particularly because I wanted to – but because My Love is a smoker too – and when My Love smokes, I can’t bare to be near her, because of the smell.

Its not because it makes me yearn for a cigarette – its because it makes me want to vomit.
Literally.

For a long time I’ve been angry at My Love about the whole ‘smoking business’.

Unlike many others, My Love knows that I have a terminal lung disease.

My Love sees the constant battle that I have with breathing.
Watches as I cough until I almost can’t catch my breath.
Does physio on my back when my coughing isn’t ‘strong enough’ to clear the crap out of my airways; so that i can breathe a little easier.

My Love sees me when I am exhausted, just from getting dressed in the morning.
Sees when I take my puffer before go out the door, so that I can hopefully clear out my lungs enough before I get to work, that I won’t embarrass myself by hacking up endlessly throughout the morning.

My Love sees how quickly I get puffed out, from simple chores like making the bed, or doing the vacuuming, or bringing bags of groceries from the car.

But don’t get me wrong!!

My Love helps me every.single.day – helps to make my life easier, less stressful both physically and mentally, and helps with doing things I either can’t, or get exhausted doing.

But the thing that ‘gets’ me – that I don’t understand no matter how hard I try – is why this fiercely stubborn person – who only a few short years ago lost 30kg after getting annoyed once too often, at being overweight – gives up on quitting smoking before even giving it a red-hot proper go.

My Love researched losing weight, set the scene around the house for the best chance of success, then got super-sensible about food and some gentle movement.
Having got annoyed about being overweight – it was “game on” and there was no question about who was going to be the winner.

That ‘fat’ was goinnn’ downnnnn!!!!

And down it went.
And down it stayed, for quite a few years!

Yep – eventually my Love got a bit complacent, and work took over all of the focus, and the food-awareness slipped – but still all of the weight didn’t return.
Yep – my Love is heavier now than a few years ago – but is certainly still within a healthy range.
(& still super-delicious!!)

So WHY – when my Love knows that this is unmistakably killing me, and that its killing her too – does she continue to do it?
And why – when previously having chosen (not asked, nor forced) to go on a quit-smoking mission, has self-sabotage, deception and ultimately quitting quitting been the order of the day?

I just don’t get it….!!!

I can state without any shadow of a doubt, that there is not.one.thing that I wouldn’t give up in a heartbeat – if it meant that my Loves life or the life of my Children, might have a chance of being prolonged.

There is nothing I wouldn’t give up, if I could help to improve the health of my Spouse or my Children.

N O T H I N G ! ! !

But its me who puts each cigarette in my mouth.
Its me who goes through the ritual of striking the lighter, its me holding the flame to the end of a new cigarette, and its me who draws the smoke down into my lungs.

Cigarettes are killing me – and I am the one holding the smoking gun…

So – a week today – and I’ll be done.

A week today, I will have had my final cigarette the day before.
And a year from today – I will hopefully remember to check back in and tell you how bloody awesome I am, that I’m coming up on a year clean.

I have been journaling (hand-written) for the last week or so, in the lead-up to quitting – its kind of an ‘accountability’ thing to myself – and this was one of the pages that I did. I want work, colleagues, family, friends and every bloody body, to know – that this time round, i HAVE to win, I have to stay clean – I’m not ready to die just yet…

Made me think…

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A few days ago, I was talking to someone, and they said to me: “smoking and drinking are two of the only things that I can control.”

It tweaked something inside me at the time, but later on, it really got me thinking…

For soooo many years I used to say the same thing to myself.

It was my business if I smoked or drank.
It was my body – and what I put into it was up to me.
It was my choice.
I enjoy smoking, and I like a drink or 3 at the end of the day.
I’ve earnt it dammit.
Butt the hell out with all your “well meaning” opinions!!

But then I realised something.
It wasn’t really my choice.

I was heartily addicted to not just the nicotine, but to the routine of smoking.

And it was the same with booze.
I didn’t ever drink before evening, and I didn’t drink after dinner, therefore I obviously didn’t have a booze problem.

And it sure as hell never effected my work life!!

But ya know what?

I did have a problem.

I was drinking every single day.
I was drinking at least a half bottle before dinner, but could happily do a bottle or more a night if I had a drinking buddy, or an ‘excuse’.

And gawd knows I still can!

But there’s a difference now…

Now, I often go weeks and weeks at a time, without drinking.
Without even thinking about it.

I mostly only drink on real occasions now.
When we’re out to dinner.
When we’re away on holiday, and go somewhere special.

The difference is – that I really AM in control of my drinking now.

I used to tell myself I was in control of my smoking and drinking – but I really was bullshitting myself.

It takes no control whats-so-ever to keep drinking, and keep smoking – what takes real control – is to not do those things….

Think about it!

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(ps: in one of those moments of irony – just as I finished typing this, I looked up at the tv, which is on in the background, despite the fact that I’m listening to the radio (lol) – and The Morning Show on 7 is doing an article titled “Escapism in a Bottle”, about the prevalence of older women abusing alcohol!)